Have you ever just longed for something from deep within
your soul? Yeah, that’s me right now
with the beach. I have been pining for
the beach with so much energy, it has been consuming. I can hear the waves, smell the tantalizing
salt in the air, feel the damp breeze on my skin. If I close my eyes tight I can truly transport
my senses to Newport, I am tickled by the sand between my toes, I watch as the
sea gulls fight over crumbs nearby, and I easily let all of my worries go. Most of all, I feel closer to her here.
March approaches quickly and without warning, it comes as an
uninvited guest. Nothing I do keeps it
at bay, and it brings all the heartache and sadness along for the ride. Memories that seemed more distant become
flashbacks like they happened yesterday.
The anxiety and PTSD reawaken, and I beg to run away. I need to run away. I feel safe by the ocean, there is peace
there, I can let go and rest with the salt and the sand.
We left her there, her ashes. She is a part of it now and going there has
moments of sadness but I am mostly enveloped in calm. I long for her embrace every day, and I feel
it there when the sun shines down on me and kisses my skin. I experience her presence with the giggles of
children touching the cold water and squealing as they run from the waves. I can envision her smile as the sun sets for
the day, with the beauty that radiates the skies captivating her senses. She taught me to love it and while it is
harder without her, it also helps her live on.
This year is filled with extra ache as the journey to visit cannot
be made, and it physically hurts. The
loneliness is intense knowing that I cannot escape this year. The reality that I cannot make new memories
in place of the old ones leaves me with added yearning for distraction. I do not want to be stuck here, trapped in my
pain. Missing her is too intense, her
absence is to great a chasm to get trapped in and I fear I will get stuck
inside.
This is why I have avoided the pain these 7 years, the fear
of getting held there permanently has led me to bottle it all up and send it
away at the ocean. Some day the bottle
will float back to me, but the fear is too great now. I am still not ready to open that bottle even
though it is about to overflow. It needs
to stay shut for now, until I am stronger.
Someday I will be stronger, until that day I need to escape to the
beach.
