thoughts from lately

It seems so interesting to me that my blogs are all about venting, all about how I am a mess after losing my mother, all about how busy and chaotic my life is, and I usually try to add some quick encouraging note like “We are doing better!”  While it may be true that we are doing better, I feel guilty that my blogs always have such a deep, heavy, hurting theme and therefore I try to end with something uplifting. Here is something a little different, for a change.

I was talking to a friend recently about blogs and how most people have a theme for theirs.  I realized I am all over the place with mine and I have only posted a few times in the past two years.  This is bad, right? Well, my blog is like therapy to me.  It is a release and a place where I meet myself.  Sometimes I do not realize what I am feeling until I am typing it out.  Maybe this inconsistency and instability is why I only have three followers? 

In order for me to blog, I have to neglect something, whether that something is school, laundry, kids, my hubby, or whatever else is going on.  I have already written this small amount in about six different parts, tending to more than one call of “mommy” and also a “babe let’s eat”.

My life has been…well…full lately.  I am watching some extra munchkins to help with the needs of my family.  In order to do this, we had to purchase a 15 passenger van, and strangely, I like it. It is a beast to park, but the way that it fits my current needs is comforting.  We had a minivan in the past and in my vanity I hated it.  Raul thought that I would for sure be embarrassed to drive it, but I have grown to love it.  It already has a special place in my heart and one of the main features is that there are four rows in the backseat.  This means each one of my kids get their own row.  No more, “he hit me!” or, “she took my toy!”  When it is just my kids in the back of that van it is quiet and peaceful.  This is every driving mom’s dream. 

My daughter goes to the best school.  We are so blessed to be a part of the unique atmosphere, the excelling curriculum, and the high standards.  She is thriving there and brings home little pieces wisdom with her.  This week she has a memory verse that speaks right to where I need it most.  Proverbs 14:29, “Whoever is patient has great understanding, but one who is quick-tempered displays folly.” Not only does she have to memorize this verse this week, but I feel its imperative that I do as well.  With everything that is going on, with all the extra kids, with my husband gone for four days, I have been extremely impatient with my own children.  I have been so physically and emotionally exhausted that I have not loved them well for the past few weeks.  This verse was the perfect reminder that I need to be patient and stop being foolish.  Funny how God uses our kids to teach us about ourselves. 

As I mentioned previously, my husband was gone for four days.  I do not know how single moms do it, or how military moms do it.  I do not like sleeping alone but I don’t usually mind when he is gone.  I don’t have to cook, put makeup on, and can live in my pajamas.  But this time was different.  We have such a deep relationship lately that I felt like a piece of me was missing.  My partner, my best friend, my love, my other half was missing.  Missing him in the way that I did was a new feeling to me.  It wasn’t that the house was falling apart without an extra set of hands that was the problem, it was his absence, his presence that was needed.  I am in awe of the man, the warrior who came home to me.  There is something raw and rugged about who he is.  He has new passions, new drive, new loyalty, and fresh ambitions upon his return and I love it.  I am falling fiercely in love with this wild man that came home to me.