It is true that in general our family is an island. We do mostly
everything alone, without the help of others. We do not have hardly any
close friends and not much support from anywhere. This has not always
been the case, but as of now, it is our reality.
Recently a family has begun watching my kids on Tuesday mornings.
Julie claims is it good for her dad to be around them, but it is truly a huge
blessing and ministry to me. She willingly takes them and loves on them for
several hours and I get things done around the house, I even have had the
privilege of watching TV while folding laundry.
She herself had four kids, so I am certainly that she knows the huge
ministry it is to me. I am so rundown, so exhausted, and sometimes so
done with life and this act of kindness on her part has been rescuing to
me.
This past week she sat and chatted with me for several hours, she asked all the
right questions to get me to open up and made me feel like she really
cares. It was nice to have an adult conversation and have someone there
for me who wants to know me on a deep level. She understood me, and could
see my pain, sorrow, and overall stress. Not only this, but as she has also
lost her mom, she really truly gets me.
When I left this past week, she gave me a hug, simple as it may be, and when
she let go she had love and tears in her eyes. I left there with this
feeling like someone actually loves me and cares about me. It has been a
really long time since I had anyone care about me, not out of obligation, but
out of genuine love for me and my family.
I am so grateful for this family, for Julie, and the way they have loved
us. She opens her home to my kids, feeds the little monsters (which is no
small task), and is also ministering to my broken heart. Thank you God
for sending someone to me! It feels like a Christmas miracle.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Thirty Days of Grief
I was at Bible study this morning and something that Beth Moore said really
impacted me. If anyone knows of Beth, they know how awesome she is and
how well she gets her point across. If anyone knew my mother, they would
know how much Beth meant to my mom, and how much time my mom spent doing Beth
Moore studies. This makes Beth even more important to me, and she feels like
she is a relative of mine!
Today we spent time learning about Moses's death in Deuteronomy. We learned how he was in perfect health at the ripe old age of 120 and God told him that he was going to go up the mountain to die. Beth pondered at how perhaps he was worried, nervous, scared even. She said that perhaps his legs were like lead as he walked up that mountain. But I am not so sure that this is the case. My mother, who died unexpectedly, was so ready to meet her maker. She had recently told us that she felt like it was time for her to go to heaven and that she was excited at the idea. She had once mentioned something about when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, that if it had been her, she would have been upset with Jesus. Why would someone who has seen heaven be okay with coming back and living on earth? Isn't that such an interesting perspective? She was always so eternally focused, and my guess is that Moses was too. I bet he was excited to see the Promised Land and be able to finally rest at the feet of God. I bet he was excited to finally see the face of God.
After Moses died the Hebrews spent 30 days of mourning. This was and is a customary time and form of grief for Jews; it did not mean that no tears were spilt after the 30 days, but that time was spent entirely for grief. Beth said that they didn’t have to have “healthy grieving” over a 5 year period spent on the couch of a psychiatrist; they were able to take an ample time to just let it all out. This actually made me envious. I have said so many times that as a mom I did not get bereavement time, I did not get to call in to work. I am a mom. I had to be present for my kids, and quite frankly, my dad needed me in that first week too. I had to grow up and take care of everyone around me. It is 19 months later and I still have not been able to grieve the loss of my mother! Every time I start to feel it, I have to bury it, because I NEED those 30 days to do nothing. I need to be able to lay in bed and cry for 30 days straight. As soon as the reality hits me, I feel like I can’t move, I fall to the floor, it takes me over completely. I cannot function with the knowledge that my mother, one of the most important people in my entire life, is dead. I cannot do it. I envy those Hebrews. I envy that they got 30 days to just grieve.
She then spoke of a woman who was like a mother to her and she gave very vivid imagery of standing at this woman’s casket taking her in, longing to hold her hands again. It instantly took me back to my mom. Only my dad, Raul, and I got to see her, as we did not do a viewing, per her request. She did not look like her. She actually looked scary, but with the faithfulness of God, I cannot remember that image. Isn’t that so sweet of him? I do, however, remember her hair that day, touching her cold hands, and longing with all of my being to crawl into that casket and lay with her. I have spent so much time in my life laying by my mom, just being held by her and I long for that to this day. It is one of the only things that can comfort me and I longed for it then and I long for it now. The imagery that Beth used even talking about the woman’s knuckles hit me so profoundly and gave me an even more intense ache for my mom.
Even with how tough today’s study was, I left there feeling renewed. I left there with the desire to change and to rectify the relationships that I do still have. I have made mistakes in my marriage, and I have a new desire to fix them. I have a new, deep love for my husband and I long to make our relationship work. We have been struggling recently and I so desperately want to get back to the point where we are best friends. I have to make some changes on my side, cut some stuff out of my life, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. Sometimes I get so lost in missing my mom that I miss out on what I still have. Sometimes I shut down and don’t feel because it is easier than feeling the pain and the loneliness that comes with the hole in my heart that my mom left. But when I choose to be a numb zombie, I choose life without relationship and that hurts the people around me.
For those around me that I have shut out, this is my deepest apology. I love every one of you and appreciate your presence in my life. I cannot “get over” losing my mom and I will never be the same, but at some point I truly do hope that I can be better. I hope that I can be a better, stronger, more loving person than I ever was before.
If you made it all the way to the end of this long drawn out blog, bless you. I love you!
Today we spent time learning about Moses's death in Deuteronomy. We learned how he was in perfect health at the ripe old age of 120 and God told him that he was going to go up the mountain to die. Beth pondered at how perhaps he was worried, nervous, scared even. She said that perhaps his legs were like lead as he walked up that mountain. But I am not so sure that this is the case. My mother, who died unexpectedly, was so ready to meet her maker. She had recently told us that she felt like it was time for her to go to heaven and that she was excited at the idea. She had once mentioned something about when Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, that if it had been her, she would have been upset with Jesus. Why would someone who has seen heaven be okay with coming back and living on earth? Isn't that such an interesting perspective? She was always so eternally focused, and my guess is that Moses was too. I bet he was excited to see the Promised Land and be able to finally rest at the feet of God. I bet he was excited to finally see the face of God.
After Moses died the Hebrews spent 30 days of mourning. This was and is a customary time and form of grief for Jews; it did not mean that no tears were spilt after the 30 days, but that time was spent entirely for grief. Beth said that they didn’t have to have “healthy grieving” over a 5 year period spent on the couch of a psychiatrist; they were able to take an ample time to just let it all out. This actually made me envious. I have said so many times that as a mom I did not get bereavement time, I did not get to call in to work. I am a mom. I had to be present for my kids, and quite frankly, my dad needed me in that first week too. I had to grow up and take care of everyone around me. It is 19 months later and I still have not been able to grieve the loss of my mother! Every time I start to feel it, I have to bury it, because I NEED those 30 days to do nothing. I need to be able to lay in bed and cry for 30 days straight. As soon as the reality hits me, I feel like I can’t move, I fall to the floor, it takes me over completely. I cannot function with the knowledge that my mother, one of the most important people in my entire life, is dead. I cannot do it. I envy those Hebrews. I envy that they got 30 days to just grieve.
She then spoke of a woman who was like a mother to her and she gave very vivid imagery of standing at this woman’s casket taking her in, longing to hold her hands again. It instantly took me back to my mom. Only my dad, Raul, and I got to see her, as we did not do a viewing, per her request. She did not look like her. She actually looked scary, but with the faithfulness of God, I cannot remember that image. Isn’t that so sweet of him? I do, however, remember her hair that day, touching her cold hands, and longing with all of my being to crawl into that casket and lay with her. I have spent so much time in my life laying by my mom, just being held by her and I long for that to this day. It is one of the only things that can comfort me and I longed for it then and I long for it now. The imagery that Beth used even talking about the woman’s knuckles hit me so profoundly and gave me an even more intense ache for my mom.
Even with how tough today’s study was, I left there feeling renewed. I left there with the desire to change and to rectify the relationships that I do still have. I have made mistakes in my marriage, and I have a new desire to fix them. I have a new, deep love for my husband and I long to make our relationship work. We have been struggling recently and I so desperately want to get back to the point where we are best friends. I have to make some changes on my side, cut some stuff out of my life, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. Sometimes I get so lost in missing my mom that I miss out on what I still have. Sometimes I shut down and don’t feel because it is easier than feeling the pain and the loneliness that comes with the hole in my heart that my mom left. But when I choose to be a numb zombie, I choose life without relationship and that hurts the people around me.
For those around me that I have shut out, this is my deepest apology. I love every one of you and appreciate your presence in my life. I cannot “get over” losing my mom and I will never be the same, but at some point I truly do hope that I can be better. I hope that I can be a better, stronger, more loving person than I ever was before.
If you made it all the way to the end of this long drawn out blog, bless you. I love you!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Life lately
There have been several times lately that I think or say “oh
my gosh, I feel a blog coming on." Based on the lack of a blog post,
anyone can see that I haven't followed through on the urge. This is
partly good because, it probably would have just been me going on and on about
something that would just upset people, and partly bad because I should really
follow through!! The whole chik-fil-a thing really got to me and I really
wanted to blog about it, but it was so overdone at the time and I honestly didn’t
feel like dealing with the backlash of a post.
So here I am. Staring
at a blank screen, wondering why it has been so long since I visited my blog.
Well, I HAVE been super-duper busy since school started. Anyone want to know my schedule? Really?
Great! Glad you asked! I will share!
My schedule
Weekdays
4:45-get up and get ready to go to the gym
5:00-get to gym, workout
6:30-get home, take shower, get kids ready for school
7:10- be in car
7:20-drop boys off at my dear friend's house bc she takes them to school (Mondays and
Wednesdays)
7:35-pick up carpool (Mondays-Thursdays)
8:00-drop Kylie and carpool off at school (Orange Grove and
Skyline)
8:30-get home, clean, do laundry, work on homework
11:00-pick up boys at school (Coachline and Silverbell)
12:00-pick up Kylie from school (Orange Grove and Skyline)
12:30-lunch
1:00-nap
2:40-pick up 2 boys I watch (2 days one week and then 4
days the next, alternating weeks)
4:30-the extra boys go home
5:00-dinner
6:00-Kylie has cheer (Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays)
6:10-I have school (Mondays and Wednesdays)
7:25-I am out of class
7:30-pick Kylie up from cheer
7:30-baths and bed (closer to 8 on cheer nights)
On Saturday mornings I pick up my bountiful basket at 6:45
and Kylie has games at 8:15. Thursday
mornings I am beginning a Bible study at church, too. I am also taking an online class, in addition
to my Monday and Wednesday class. I have
also been volunteered to be the social coordinator for Kylie’s classroom. I am involved in other things, I cannot specifically
think of one right off the top of my head though.
Ok, ok,
back to my blog
Anyhow, this is why I have not blogged recently, or why the
thought of a theological debate actually makes me weary, or why all the politics
lately have been driving me crazy. It is
partly because I AM downright crazy and partly because I am sincerely exhausted.
My heart is still in the same spot, and I might even get around to my chik fil
a blog, or the blog about people making Jesus who they want him to be, or the
blog about clearing out my mom’s house, or the blog about…okay, the point has
been made. I need to blog, there is a lot to blog about, there is a lot going
on in the world, and I really need to just commit and write. It is not going to happen today.
Today was just to complain about how busy I am, that’s
all. Just needed to vent. I know that there are people out there way
busier than I am, and that I really just need to take it and be grateful, which
I truly am. I spend hours a day driving and I really needed to just sit and
vent. I would love to spend those hours
writing my blog, or my book, or cleaning, or even doing homework. It is just nearly impossible. I have been falling asleep around 9 for the
past several nights. Now, that REALLY
means I am tired!
Anyhow, life lately has been tiring, I am sure I am not
alone in this. But I have not given up
on my blog, and have not given up on my book either. I am just very preoccupied!
For my 3 followers out there, thank you! And for the rest of you, just follow
already! I would have more of a
commitment if I felt like someone was actually listening!
:-)
Love ya!
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
God's mathematics
After yesterday's blog, I had contact with Cornerstone and the financial
lady let me know that the scholarship pool is empty and it would be fruitless
to even apply. This was disappointing, and made my heart a little
sad. She then gave me the resource of how to apply for other scholarships
from other organizations. I spent over 2 hours filling out many
applications, which is really difficult with all the kids. The process
was stressing me out, but at the same time I had some hope that it would all
work out.
Today, after I went to the gym, I was listening to K-LOVE on the radio and a lady shared a remarkable story. They were doing a hope food drive/distribution through a ministry that I do not even remember. The miracle that God preformed was amazing. They put food in grocery bags and would give out one bag per person. They knew about how much food they had and hoped it would be enough. Well, 84,000 people showed up! They knew that they did not have enough for everyone and some volunteers started to panic. The woman telling the story was the director at that church. She that when some of the volunteers started to count bags and talk about taking food out of some bags to make more bags, she told them to be calm, have faith, and that they would continue to pass them out and when they ran out, they ran out. Simple as that.
After an hour, their supply hadn't dwindled down and they realized they were going to have too much so they began passing out two bags per person. Another hour passed and the same thing happened and so they began giving three bags per person. Finally, as this continued, they ended up giving FIVE bags per person! And guess what? They. Had. Extra. They ended up having enough to drop off some supplies to several other churches! God MULTIPLIED their food and blessed their efforts! It was the fish and the loaves all over again!
How dare I question Him and His greatness!?!?! He WILL provide! Oh, ME of little faith!
He has already shown His hand in this journey and He has already shown what His will is for this school year! We are so close on funds, why would I doubt Him now?
Oh, Lord, have patience with me, a doubting sinner! Forgive me for thinking that You, oh Lord, are not enough! And thank You for Your continued love for me and for never giving up on me!
Today, after I went to the gym, I was listening to K-LOVE on the radio and a lady shared a remarkable story. They were doing a hope food drive/distribution through a ministry that I do not even remember. The miracle that God preformed was amazing. They put food in grocery bags and would give out one bag per person. They knew about how much food they had and hoped it would be enough. Well, 84,000 people showed up! They knew that they did not have enough for everyone and some volunteers started to panic. The woman telling the story was the director at that church. She that when some of the volunteers started to count bags and talk about taking food out of some bags to make more bags, she told them to be calm, have faith, and that they would continue to pass them out and when they ran out, they ran out. Simple as that.
After an hour, their supply hadn't dwindled down and they realized they were going to have too much so they began passing out two bags per person. Another hour passed and the same thing happened and so they began giving three bags per person. Finally, as this continued, they ended up giving FIVE bags per person! And guess what? They. Had. Extra. They ended up having enough to drop off some supplies to several other churches! God MULTIPLIED their food and blessed their efforts! It was the fish and the loaves all over again!
How dare I question Him and His greatness!?!?! He WILL provide! Oh, ME of little faith!
He has already shown His hand in this journey and He has already shown what His will is for this school year! We are so close on funds, why would I doubt Him now?
Oh, Lord, have patience with me, a doubting sinner! Forgive me for thinking that You, oh Lord, are not enough! And thank You for Your continued love for me and for never giving up on me!
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
He's my abba!
Sometimes in life God feels so distant. Sometimes it feels like He
doesn't have a hand in the everyday stuff, but is that accurate? Is He
truly sometimes more distant than others?
In the past, I would have said that yes, there are just times that He draws me closer and some times that He doesn't. Today it hit me that He is always sitting there with open arms, it is I who chooses to draw closer to Him or to live within my own means. The times that He feels distant are the times that I am not wholeheartedly seeking, trusting, and depending upon Him.
There are just some times that He does things to get my attention, and it feels like He is drawing me close, and He really is, but that doesn't mean that the times of distance means that He is no longer there.
Can I just say how faithful God is? Not that I shouldn't expect Him to be anything but!
We have been on a journey this past year trying to figure out school for Kylie, and I have posted it on Facebook already, but God is just so faithful. And it may feel like He came through for us, but I think that really, because we put our hearts, minds, and intentions solely on Him, and obeyed our convictions, we came through for Him. When we come through for Him, we get to see his intentions for us better. How great His intentions for us are! Faithfully obeying and living by faith might be blind and scary, but the rewards are so visible and picturesque!
God is ordaining Kylie's education and He is using some amazing people to do it! There have been a couple of people who are helping out via tax credits, registration fees, carpooling, and even uniforms. Although we still do not have 100% of what we need, we now have enough to go ahead and enroll Kylie, and we are stepping out on faith that the rest will come through. Faith got us this far and "God has come through". He is using people who we haven't talked to in years, and are now Facebook friends, that are generously donating towards our daughter's God-driven education. It just seems like the people that I would least expect to be part of this journey are the ones that God is using! It is SO wonderful!
We are so grateful and so humbled by this experience. Sometimes we feel like we are lone rangers in life, but times like these show is that we have family in the body of Christ who are there for us, and who pray for us. The past year and a half have been very difficult for our family and we have only made it through because of those prayers and those people who love us and have been there for us one way or another. We love everyone and are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.
This experience has already been such a blessing and in seeing God's hand in it all, we have truly experience genuine joy. Raul and I have cried many tears over the past couple of weeks as things have been falling into place. We are actively choosing to draw near to Him, separately, and as a couple, and the fruits have just been amazing.
Thank all of you so much. Thank you for allowing God to use you to take part in our daughter's education and her life. This experience has really been awesome and has prompted growth in our family. We feel so loved and we love all of you so very much!
In the past, I would have said that yes, there are just times that He draws me closer and some times that He doesn't. Today it hit me that He is always sitting there with open arms, it is I who chooses to draw closer to Him or to live within my own means. The times that He feels distant are the times that I am not wholeheartedly seeking, trusting, and depending upon Him.
There are just some times that He does things to get my attention, and it feels like He is drawing me close, and He really is, but that doesn't mean that the times of distance means that He is no longer there.
Can I just say how faithful God is? Not that I shouldn't expect Him to be anything but!
We have been on a journey this past year trying to figure out school for Kylie, and I have posted it on Facebook already, but God is just so faithful. And it may feel like He came through for us, but I think that really, because we put our hearts, minds, and intentions solely on Him, and obeyed our convictions, we came through for Him. When we come through for Him, we get to see his intentions for us better. How great His intentions for us are! Faithfully obeying and living by faith might be blind and scary, but the rewards are so visible and picturesque!
God is ordaining Kylie's education and He is using some amazing people to do it! There have been a couple of people who are helping out via tax credits, registration fees, carpooling, and even uniforms. Although we still do not have 100% of what we need, we now have enough to go ahead and enroll Kylie, and we are stepping out on faith that the rest will come through. Faith got us this far and "God has come through". He is using people who we haven't talked to in years, and are now Facebook friends, that are generously donating towards our daughter's God-driven education. It just seems like the people that I would least expect to be part of this journey are the ones that God is using! It is SO wonderful!
We are so grateful and so humbled by this experience. Sometimes we feel like we are lone rangers in life, but times like these show is that we have family in the body of Christ who are there for us, and who pray for us. The past year and a half have been very difficult for our family and we have only made it through because of those prayers and those people who love us and have been there for us one way or another. We love everyone and are so blessed to have all of you in our lives.
This experience has already been such a blessing and in seeing God's hand in it all, we have truly experience genuine joy. Raul and I have cried many tears over the past couple of weeks as things have been falling into place. We are actively choosing to draw near to Him, separately, and as a couple, and the fruits have just been amazing.
Thank all of you so much. Thank you for allowing God to use you to take part in our daughter's education and her life. This experience has really been awesome and has prompted growth in our family. We feel so loved and we love all of you so very much!
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
misunderstood...
I really do not like myself a lot. People have always put me down and
said mean things about me. Even though some of those things were dumb like a
boy telling me how I'm "not hot, not ugly either, just kind of there...nobody
notices you"; others were far more hurtful and really about me as a
person. I once had a youth leader tell me that they cringed every time
they saw my name on a sign up list for a youth event. This has stuck with
me all these years. For someone who was supposed to help share God's love
with me, and teach me that I was a princess of Christ, that person did the
opposite. It put me in a very dark place, and wounded me in so many
ways. It changed me. That following year I went down a dark path.
I stopped going to youth group, worked constantly, slept through my classes,
snuck out of my house to see a boy, lost my precious virginity, and ended up
failing a semester my senior year of high school. I became suicidal and
made my life all about sex. Luckily I was smart enough to only have one
partner and married that man, so my regrets aren't as bad as they could be.
I am a loving, loyal, dependable, caring, and sensitive person. I am not perfect, but I have never seen myself as a troublemaker. I did not ever try drugs, didn't smoke, and didn’t drink any alcohol until I turned 21. Even at my most rebellious, I still came home on time for curfew. I had problems with friends sometimes, but they were all emotional disputes that could be solved once we calmed down. I am a passionate and emotional person, so it is easy for me to get worked up. None of these things should make someone in leadership CRINGE to see me.
As a wounded 16 year old girl who really has no friends, I was devastated. I am 25 and I still wrestle with this pain and am not fully healed from it. I have thought of facing this person face to face, but wouldn't that just make that person cringe all the more? I do not want to be confrontational and through the years I have become less and less confrontational.
How do I go on and see myself as the bride of Christ? How do I go on and try to help anyone? Plus, this has made me so socially awkward that I either nervously babble (and say really stupid and embarrassing things) or I am silent, with nothing to offer. My social anxiety has gotten so much worse, as has my overall anxiety. I deal with anxiety problems, some of which stem from this person and the many ways they mishandled me and wounded my very being. This was someone who I respected and looked up to.
Yes, I am socially awkward. Yes, I feel like a misfit. But does that take away my place in the kingdom? Does that make me worthless? Am I unlovable?
I have been told that I am unlovable before in my life. The actual words have flown out at me. And all the other comments that people have said to me and about me make the equation of being unlovable, as well. It is so hard to accept God's love for me when I am unlovable. Why must I be so different? Why must I be so alone?
At Sunday school last week Mo Gaul said how he struggles with being a misfit. In questioning God as to why he was a misfit, God revealed to him that He (God) made him exactly how he wanted him. That God can still work through him. And that without being a "misfit" he would have less need for his Creator.
I have had mentors who have felt that they have been "called out of my walk". I have had very close friends either drift away or choose to walk away. I feel very much alone in life, and have legitimate abandonment issues that I have practically been born with. So what is so wrong with me that nobody can love me?
I recently had someone who was encouraging me that I will soon have someone that I can talk to. She encouraged me that I have changed so much and that I am different than I used to be. I have "calmed down" so people will enjoy being around me more. Bless her heart, she truly was trying to love me and encourage me. But, I couldn't help to feel like, what was so wrong with me before that people didn't want to be around me? Was I so wild? Was I so crazy? In what way? My husband is almost always with me, as I am too anxious to go anywhere alone, and even he is not really sure what she meant. Now, I do put my foot in my mouth sometimes as things just fly out of it when I am nervous, but it is my poor husband that I usually sell out. Yet, he still loves me.
She is right. I have changed. I am NOT the same person that I used to be. But I still hold some of the same pain. I still long for a friend and for a mentor. I still long for relationship. I still long for love. I really long for acceptance.
In some ways I am misunderstood. In others I am understood to well. I don't really know where to go from here.
I am a loving, loyal, dependable, caring, and sensitive person. I am not perfect, but I have never seen myself as a troublemaker. I did not ever try drugs, didn't smoke, and didn’t drink any alcohol until I turned 21. Even at my most rebellious, I still came home on time for curfew. I had problems with friends sometimes, but they were all emotional disputes that could be solved once we calmed down. I am a passionate and emotional person, so it is easy for me to get worked up. None of these things should make someone in leadership CRINGE to see me.
As a wounded 16 year old girl who really has no friends, I was devastated. I am 25 and I still wrestle with this pain and am not fully healed from it. I have thought of facing this person face to face, but wouldn't that just make that person cringe all the more? I do not want to be confrontational and through the years I have become less and less confrontational.
How do I go on and see myself as the bride of Christ? How do I go on and try to help anyone? Plus, this has made me so socially awkward that I either nervously babble (and say really stupid and embarrassing things) or I am silent, with nothing to offer. My social anxiety has gotten so much worse, as has my overall anxiety. I deal with anxiety problems, some of which stem from this person and the many ways they mishandled me and wounded my very being. This was someone who I respected and looked up to.
Yes, I am socially awkward. Yes, I feel like a misfit. But does that take away my place in the kingdom? Does that make me worthless? Am I unlovable?
I have been told that I am unlovable before in my life. The actual words have flown out at me. And all the other comments that people have said to me and about me make the equation of being unlovable, as well. It is so hard to accept God's love for me when I am unlovable. Why must I be so different? Why must I be so alone?
At Sunday school last week Mo Gaul said how he struggles with being a misfit. In questioning God as to why he was a misfit, God revealed to him that He (God) made him exactly how he wanted him. That God can still work through him. And that without being a "misfit" he would have less need for his Creator.
I have had mentors who have felt that they have been "called out of my walk". I have had very close friends either drift away or choose to walk away. I feel very much alone in life, and have legitimate abandonment issues that I have practically been born with. So what is so wrong with me that nobody can love me?
I recently had someone who was encouraging me that I will soon have someone that I can talk to. She encouraged me that I have changed so much and that I am different than I used to be. I have "calmed down" so people will enjoy being around me more. Bless her heart, she truly was trying to love me and encourage me. But, I couldn't help to feel like, what was so wrong with me before that people didn't want to be around me? Was I so wild? Was I so crazy? In what way? My husband is almost always with me, as I am too anxious to go anywhere alone, and even he is not really sure what she meant. Now, I do put my foot in my mouth sometimes as things just fly out of it when I am nervous, but it is my poor husband that I usually sell out. Yet, he still loves me.
She is right. I have changed. I am NOT the same person that I used to be. But I still hold some of the same pain. I still long for a friend and for a mentor. I still long for relationship. I still long for love. I really long for acceptance.
In some ways I am misunderstood. In others I am understood to well. I don't really know where to go from here.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
provisions for my bleeding heart
It has been so hard for me to fully share my bleeding heart. I have withdrawn from all relationships, feeling awkward, lonely, unlovable, and generally in shock. Isn't it funny that I feel lonely, yet I dodge calls and avoid returning them? Anyone who knows me knows that I have my phone in my hand about 24/7, so if I miss a call, about 5% of the time is due to kid issues but the other 95% of the time, I am hiding away in my own self-imposed prison. This prison has been cold, lonely, and a place of extreme despair.
There are so many reasons why I have locked myself here. Part of it is because I feel like a downer and nobody should have to be exposed to me like this. Another reason is my utter confusion of the many ways my stable life has come crashing down around me, and how I sit and wonder about what on earth God might have planned for my future. I sit and question Him sometimes, wondering, "Lord, if your plan is not to harm me, then what on earth are you doing here?"
I have not truly started the grieving process on the loss of my mom. I still sit in complete shock. At some point of every day I will have a thought about her as if she were still alive, and then in one heart crushing moment I see here and then remember that she is gone. It is like I am finding out for the first time. I literally begin having a panic attack and my heart pounds as I sit there and have a similar reaction to the day it all happened. Then I feel numb. It is then that I have to block out all feeling. I have to survive. I have to be ok. I have to be ok for my kids. My kids are my job, they are my love, they are my passion. I cannot allow myself to feel the loss, because anytime I even begin to feel the tip of the iceberg, I fall apart. In order for me to pull myself together I have to bury it and pretend it isn't happening.
The wound is so deep, and strangely so fresh. In one month and three days the year anniversary of her death will be here. How can I have really gone a year without my mom? Well, when looking at the past year, all the heartache, stress, drama, and pain that has encrypted the memories of it, it is clear that she was not here. She breathed God's word into my life, she prayed earnestly for my family, she offered tough love, she told me how it was even if that risked our relationship, because nothing was more important to her than truly loving us, loving us with God's love. When my sinful heart wandered, she would help point me back in the right direction, she would remind me of Truth and of true Love.
The struggles of this past year are hard for me to relive, yet I do see God's hand through it all. In April I got some news about my health that I wasn't expecting and that was hard to swallow. The second week of June, after a long time of some marital struggles, Raul and I took a break and we were temporarily separated. I was still living in the house in Red Rock with the kids and he had moved into his parent's house. We wanted to work on things, but because things had gotten so hostile, we decided that for us and for the kids, it was better to have some time apart and deal with it that way. This time period had its ups and downs, for sure. The end of July our landlord violated the landlord tenant act, thus violating our lease, and since it involved utilities we had to move out quickly, and we then moved in with Raul at his parent's house.
This was a massive step for me, since his parents and I do not see eye to eye on anything. Honestly, they do not see eye to eye on anything with Raul either. This time was very heard and stressful for all of us, my well behaved kids, became wild and unruly, my clean and orderly life became messy and very, very dirty (literally). Somehow amidst all the chaos, Raul and I fell in love. We somehow learned to love each other, and to love each other well. We became best friends. Raul began to want to spend time with me, to need me. I learned how to not be so needy and to be secure in our relationship. As I didn't need as much time with him, and he needed me more, we found a good balance in our relationship.
With the current drama that unfolded between his family and me, we found ourselves having a matter of days to find somewhere to live and to move out. The situation got more hostile daily, the clock was ticking, and thanks to a friend of ours we found a temporary place to live. We are so grateful to our friend Brandon who went out of his way to help us and we are so grateful that God used him at just the right time.
I am still dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing where we are going to live past a couple months, but for now I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads. And as bad as living in what I fondly call "hell" was, I am so grateful that they opened their doors to a family of 6. It was very generous, gracious, and kind of them. God used this time for us to just "be" and to learn who we are as a couple. This time in our lives saved our marriage. I have never been more grateful for such an annoying, difficult, and stressful situation.
I love my husband. I love how amazing he is and how he loves me, even as imperfect as I am. I love how he has learned to treat me like a princess and to cherish me. Meanwhile I have also learned to trust him, to let him have his space, to treat him like a man and not a child, and to let go and let him lead.
Unfortunately, I still truly feel like my life has fallen apart. I want to go back to our house. I want to have never moved out. I want to go back there, to have a permanent home. I want to have my mom back. I want to have not had the experience with my in-laws that I had, and to not have the wounds that they caused. I want my kids to not have heard the things they said to me, I want those lies to not be planted in my kids minds, or my own. But I also do not want to trade the way that my marriage has grown. I want to go back to the physical stability, yet I don't want to forfeit the emotional, relational stability.
God does work in mysterious ways and I really need to learn to trust Him more, but at the same time, does irreparable damage really have to be done to get the end result? Does the end justify the means? There is part of me that is not truly sure, and this is something I am greatly struggling with.
Bottom line:
-My heart is still bleeding, but it isn't hemorrhaging anymore.
-I love my husband more than ever.
-I really miss my mom and still don't fully understand why that happened.
-I am grateful for the generosity of my in-laws.
-I am sorry for those that I have shut out since march.
-I am grateful for those who have been there for me even when I am a downer and have still pursued me even though sometimes I avoid them. I am glad I have some true friends that I can be real with.
Sometimes it feels good to pour out my heart, to let it all out. I tend to find healing through it. My blog is somewhat my journal, and having 4 kids makes it not happen often enough, but I need the words on the page. I need the prayers of friends. And expressing it helps me begin to see things that I would not otherwise see in myself. God works so deeply in me, and i am so grateful that he allows me to question Him. I am so grateful that He is patient with my wandering heart. That His arms are open and ready to receive me. Thank you Lord, for being You, and for loving a sinner like me.
Allysia
There are so many reasons why I have locked myself here. Part of it is because I feel like a downer and nobody should have to be exposed to me like this. Another reason is my utter confusion of the many ways my stable life has come crashing down around me, and how I sit and wonder about what on earth God might have planned for my future. I sit and question Him sometimes, wondering, "Lord, if your plan is not to harm me, then what on earth are you doing here?"
I have not truly started the grieving process on the loss of my mom. I still sit in complete shock. At some point of every day I will have a thought about her as if she were still alive, and then in one heart crushing moment I see here and then remember that she is gone. It is like I am finding out for the first time. I literally begin having a panic attack and my heart pounds as I sit there and have a similar reaction to the day it all happened. Then I feel numb. It is then that I have to block out all feeling. I have to survive. I have to be ok. I have to be ok for my kids. My kids are my job, they are my love, they are my passion. I cannot allow myself to feel the loss, because anytime I even begin to feel the tip of the iceberg, I fall apart. In order for me to pull myself together I have to bury it and pretend it isn't happening.
The wound is so deep, and strangely so fresh. In one month and three days the year anniversary of her death will be here. How can I have really gone a year without my mom? Well, when looking at the past year, all the heartache, stress, drama, and pain that has encrypted the memories of it, it is clear that she was not here. She breathed God's word into my life, she prayed earnestly for my family, she offered tough love, she told me how it was even if that risked our relationship, because nothing was more important to her than truly loving us, loving us with God's love. When my sinful heart wandered, she would help point me back in the right direction, she would remind me of Truth and of true Love.
The struggles of this past year are hard for me to relive, yet I do see God's hand through it all. In April I got some news about my health that I wasn't expecting and that was hard to swallow. The second week of June, after a long time of some marital struggles, Raul and I took a break and we were temporarily separated. I was still living in the house in Red Rock with the kids and he had moved into his parent's house. We wanted to work on things, but because things had gotten so hostile, we decided that for us and for the kids, it was better to have some time apart and deal with it that way. This time period had its ups and downs, for sure. The end of July our landlord violated the landlord tenant act, thus violating our lease, and since it involved utilities we had to move out quickly, and we then moved in with Raul at his parent's house.
This was a massive step for me, since his parents and I do not see eye to eye on anything. Honestly, they do not see eye to eye on anything with Raul either. This time was very heard and stressful for all of us, my well behaved kids, became wild and unruly, my clean and orderly life became messy and very, very dirty (literally). Somehow amidst all the chaos, Raul and I fell in love. We somehow learned to love each other, and to love each other well. We became best friends. Raul began to want to spend time with me, to need me. I learned how to not be so needy and to be secure in our relationship. As I didn't need as much time with him, and he needed me more, we found a good balance in our relationship.
With the current drama that unfolded between his family and me, we found ourselves having a matter of days to find somewhere to live and to move out. The situation got more hostile daily, the clock was ticking, and thanks to a friend of ours we found a temporary place to live. We are so grateful to our friend Brandon who went out of his way to help us and we are so grateful that God used him at just the right time.
I am still dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing where we are going to live past a couple months, but for now I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads. And as bad as living in what I fondly call "hell" was, I am so grateful that they opened their doors to a family of 6. It was very generous, gracious, and kind of them. God used this time for us to just "be" and to learn who we are as a couple. This time in our lives saved our marriage. I have never been more grateful for such an annoying, difficult, and stressful situation.
I love my husband. I love how amazing he is and how he loves me, even as imperfect as I am. I love how he has learned to treat me like a princess and to cherish me. Meanwhile I have also learned to trust him, to let him have his space, to treat him like a man and not a child, and to let go and let him lead.
Unfortunately, I still truly feel like my life has fallen apart. I want to go back to our house. I want to have never moved out. I want to go back there, to have a permanent home. I want to have my mom back. I want to have not had the experience with my in-laws that I had, and to not have the wounds that they caused. I want my kids to not have heard the things they said to me, I want those lies to not be planted in my kids minds, or my own. But I also do not want to trade the way that my marriage has grown. I want to go back to the physical stability, yet I don't want to forfeit the emotional, relational stability.
God does work in mysterious ways and I really need to learn to trust Him more, but at the same time, does irreparable damage really have to be done to get the end result? Does the end justify the means? There is part of me that is not truly sure, and this is something I am greatly struggling with.
Bottom line:
-My heart is still bleeding, but it isn't hemorrhaging anymore.
-I love my husband more than ever.
-I really miss my mom and still don't fully understand why that happened.
-I am grateful for the generosity of my in-laws.
-I am sorry for those that I have shut out since march.
-I am grateful for those who have been there for me even when I am a downer and have still pursued me even though sometimes I avoid them. I am glad I have some true friends that I can be real with.
Sometimes it feels good to pour out my heart, to let it all out. I tend to find healing through it. My blog is somewhat my journal, and having 4 kids makes it not happen often enough, but I need the words on the page. I need the prayers of friends. And expressing it helps me begin to see things that I would not otherwise see in myself. God works so deeply in me, and i am so grateful that he allows me to question Him. I am so grateful that He is patient with my wandering heart. That His arms are open and ready to receive me. Thank you Lord, for being You, and for loving a sinner like me.
Allysia
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