There are days where I feel like I walk around with a sign
over my head which points out my failures and mistakes. I carry the weight of
my shame and shortfalls on my shoulders, feeling burdened and overwhelmed. The heaviness of my choices leaves me breathlessly
believing that I am unlovable, unworthy, and unwanted. My expectation is that people will not accept
me for who I am, yet I have the unrealistic hope that I will be.
I tend to shut the world out, to not attend social events,
and to generally keep to myself. When I
do get together with other people I tend to nervously chatter, and I second
guess myself the entire time. Oops, did I cut her off? Did I say too much? Why did I say anything at all? I bet they’ll be relieved when I leave. Am I missing social cues? Do I come across as awkward? Are all some of the thoughts running through
my head.
I long to break free from this feeling, I long to feel like
I have something, anything, to offer. I
have passions and goals, but I honestly am afraid that I will never be able to
truly accomplish any of them. I feel
stuck in this incredibly lonely place of self-doubt. On one hand I know that I have what it takes,
and I am confident in my abilities, but on the other hand, I feel as if nobody
else will ever be able to see my potential.
And, even when I do happen to feel a smidge of confidence, I still tend
to doubt my own abilities.
I have been in school for psychology because I want to be a marriage
and family counselor, but more than that, I have a heart for teen moms. This is a passion of mine, and if I start
talking about all of the reasons why, I will begin to rant, so I just won’t go
there right now. That being said, I have
had it on my heart for a long time that I want to start a teen girls ministry within
our youth group at church. There are a
lot of aspects involved and I have this entire dream of what it would look like
and what I would want to do. I get
excited talking about it, and I am all fired up. But then it hits me. I remember all of the choices that I have
made, I remember the devastating mistakes that define me and I realize that I am not a role
model. I have no place in ministry of
any kind. I do not belong there.
I sit at play group with these moms that I really love and
admire, most of which are involved in different kinds of ministry and I feel so
inadequate. Not because any of them make
me feel this way intentionally, they are sweet, loving, accepting, women whom I
really love; but I sit there and just know that I am not spiritually in the
same place as them right now. None of
them would make the ginormous mistakes I have made. They can sit there and say that all sin is
the same, but if I laid voice to the things I have said and done I can only
imagine how that would change.
I am the greatest of sinners. When I screw up, I go big. I just don’t know how to get past it. I dream of being on staff at church, helping
these girls the way that my heart is fired to do. But I am in chains in the prison of my own
sin and shame, shackled to the bare earth around me. I am cold and alone, I am my own
undoing.
