Thoughts from my coffee cup: December 2017

I grab a pen and the fresh ink on paper, forming letters and words, is the bleeding of my feelings coming true. I have wanted to sit down and express myself, but I know that once I do it makes it real. The black and white evidence, the reality of the written word is final. Expressing myself through writing has always been a good release, but here I am hesitant to express in fear that I will actually feel.

I am good at hiding from my pain, using busyness and fake smiles to pretend I am okay. I am not just lying to everyone, I am lying to myself. Grief is overwhelming, grief is never ending. Hiding from my grief of her has taken over my life, and there is no room to hide from my grief of you. The ache and loneliness has taken over my very being and I have become an empty tomb, a zombie just walking through the daily nothingness. I find no excitement or happiness in anything and I wish to share everything with both of you. The two very people who have invested in me, the two only women who have loved me at my worst. You’re both gone and I can’t find you. Hers was a death but you feel like a death.

I don’t wish for this break up. I don’t wish for this empty space. I have lost who I am, you make me a better version of myself. My biggest fear has been losing you, losing us. I have expressed this fear on so many occasions and here we are. This season of life has been more lonely and scary than all my hallucinations combined. I don’t know how to keep going without you by my side.

I miss seeing your face. As this ink spills on this paper, my heart bleeds looking for you. My kids miss you, I miss you. You were part of my every day and now you aren’t there at all. I am spiraling out of control and you don’t even know. You have no idea anything going on, you, my support, my inner circle, my person. You are unaware and I keep screaming out needing you but the echo only reaches me through the chasm of emptiness and loneliness.

I need someone to hold me, to calm me. I need someone to tell me it will all be ok, but it won’t. Not without you it won’t. It can’t. I can’t. I paint on a smile to make everyone think I am okay today, but my empty skeleton, my reality is right here below the surface. I think of you constantly. I worry about you constantly. I miss you infinitely.

I woke up the other day to this poem on my mind. I got up early to write it. It just flowed out of my heart and onto paper. The pain. The loneliness. The ache.

We walk through life hand in hand

All look on but none understand

Two hearts beat at the same time

I hold yours and you hold mine

We unite with laughter and tears

We discuss our failure and fears.

We fight for one another in hard seasons

We drop everything with barely a reason

I've saved your life and you saved mine

When I can't stand you helped me climb

Winter's here and I don't know what to do

Thought it was lasting, forever, and true.