It has been so hard for me to fully share my bleeding heart. I have withdrawn from all relationships, feeling awkward, lonely, unlovable, and generally in shock. Isn't it funny that I feel lonely, yet I dodge calls and avoid returning them? Anyone who knows me knows that I have my phone in my hand about 24/7, so if I miss a call, about 5% of the time is due to kid issues but the other 95% of the time, I am hiding away in my own self-imposed prison. This prison has been cold, lonely, and a place of extreme despair.
There are so many reasons why I have locked myself here. Part of it is because I feel like a downer and nobody should have to be exposed to me like this. Another reason is my utter confusion of the many ways my stable life has come crashing down around me, and how I sit and wonder about what on earth God might have planned for my future. I sit and question Him sometimes, wondering, "Lord, if your plan is not to harm me, then what on earth are you doing here?"
I have not truly started the grieving process on the loss of my mom. I still sit in complete shock. At some point of every day I will have a thought about her as if she were still alive, and then in one heart crushing moment I see here and then remember that she is gone. It is like I am finding out for the first time. I literally begin having a panic attack and my heart pounds as I sit there and have a similar reaction to the day it all happened. Then I feel numb. It is then that I have to block out all feeling. I have to survive. I have to be ok. I have to be ok for my kids. My kids are my job, they are my love, they are my passion. I cannot allow myself to feel the loss, because anytime I even begin to feel the tip of the iceberg, I fall apart. In order for me to pull myself together I have to bury it and pretend it isn't happening.
The wound is so deep, and strangely so fresh. In one month and three days the year anniversary of her death will be here. How can I have really gone a year without my mom? Well, when looking at the past year, all the heartache, stress, drama, and pain that has encrypted the memories of it, it is clear that she was not here. She breathed God's word into my life, she prayed earnestly for my family, she offered tough love, she told me how it was even if that risked our relationship, because nothing was more important to her than truly loving us, loving us with God's love. When my sinful heart wandered, she would help point me back in the right direction, she would remind me of Truth and of true Love.
The struggles of this past year are hard for me to relive, yet I do see God's hand through it all. In April I got some news about my health that I wasn't expecting and that was hard to swallow. The second week of June, after a long time of some marital struggles, Raul and I took a break and we were temporarily separated. I was still living in the house in Red Rock with the kids and he had moved into his parent's house. We wanted to work on things, but because things had gotten so hostile, we decided that for us and for the kids, it was better to have some time apart and deal with it that way. This time period had its ups and downs, for sure. The end of July our landlord violated the landlord tenant act, thus violating our lease, and since it involved utilities we had to move out quickly, and we then moved in with Raul at his parent's house.
This was a massive step for me, since his parents and I do not see eye to eye on anything. Honestly, they do not see eye to eye on anything with Raul either. This time was very heard and stressful for all of us, my well behaved kids, became wild and unruly, my clean and orderly life became messy and very, very dirty (literally). Somehow amidst all the chaos, Raul and I fell in love. We somehow learned to love each other, and to love each other well. We became best friends. Raul began to want to spend time with me, to need me. I learned how to not be so needy and to be secure in our relationship. As I didn't need as much time with him, and he needed me more, we found a good balance in our relationship.
With the current drama that unfolded between his family and me, we found ourselves having a matter of days to find somewhere to live and to move out. The situation got more hostile daily, the clock was ticking, and thanks to a friend of ours we found a temporary place to live. We are so grateful to our friend Brandon who went out of his way to help us and we are so grateful that God used him at just the right time.
I am still dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing where we are going to live past a couple months, but for now I am grateful that we have a roof over our heads. And as bad as living in what I fondly call "hell" was, I am so grateful that they opened their doors to a family of 6. It was very generous, gracious, and kind of them. God used this time for us to just "be" and to learn who we are as a couple. This time in our lives saved our marriage. I have never been more grateful for such an annoying, difficult, and stressful situation.
I love my husband. I love how amazing he is and how he loves me, even as imperfect as I am. I love how he has learned to treat me like a princess and to cherish me. Meanwhile I have also learned to trust him, to let him have his space, to treat him like a man and not a child, and to let go and let him lead.
Unfortunately, I still truly feel like my life has fallen apart. I want to go back to our house. I want to have never moved out. I want to go back there, to have a permanent home. I want to have my mom back. I want to have not had the experience with my in-laws that I had, and to not have the wounds that they caused. I want my kids to not have heard the things they said to me, I want those lies to not be planted in my kids minds, or my own. But I also do not want to trade the way that my marriage has grown. I want to go back to the physical stability, yet I don't want to forfeit the emotional, relational stability.
God does work in mysterious ways and I really need to learn to trust Him more, but at the same time, does irreparable damage really have to be done to get the end result? Does the end justify the means? There is part of me that is not truly sure, and this is something I am greatly struggling with.
Bottom line:
-My heart is still bleeding, but it isn't hemorrhaging anymore.
-I love my husband more than ever.
-I really miss my mom and still don't fully understand why that happened.
-I am grateful for the generosity of my in-laws.
-I am sorry for those that I have shut out since march.
-I am grateful for those who have been there for me even when I am a downer and have still pursued me even though sometimes I avoid them. I am glad I have some true friends that I can be real with.
Sometimes it feels good to pour out my heart, to let it all out. I tend to find healing through it. My blog is somewhat my journal, and having 4 kids makes it not happen often enough, but I need the words on the page. I need the prayers of friends. And expressing it helps me begin to see things that I would not otherwise see in myself. God works so deeply in me, and i am so grateful that he allows me to question Him. I am so grateful that He is patient with my wandering heart. That His arms are open and ready to receive me. Thank you Lord, for being You, and for loving a sinner like me.
Allysia
