Hi, my name's Ally, and I'm an addict....

I find it incredibly difficult to not try to validate my self-worth through other people.  People are there, they are tangible, audible, visible.  They are real.  I can actually feel their love or their hate.  I work so hard to try to please everyone, to have everyone like me.  The idea that someone is upset with me or doesn’t like me kills me.  It literally causes me to have trouble breathing. 

That is why conflict is so hard for me.  I avoid it like the plague.  Anyone who has known me for a long time would suggest otherwise, as when I was young I could definitely be confrontational, in your face, and spoke my mind.  But I have changed over the years, don’t we all?  With my severe anxiety and already cultivated people pleasing personality that I was born with, conflict has become even more difficult for me.    

 People walk all over me, take advantage of me, stress me out, and the worst part is, I allow it.  My cousin Todd wrote on my Facebook a while back that when I don’t stand up for myself, I am allowing others to take advantage of me.  It is me giving them permission to walk all over me.  It is like I am placing myself as a door mat and then am hurt and upset when people walk all over me.  Well, it stopped yesterday.  I stood up for myself.  I stopped allowing people to demean and belittle me, to cause unnecessary drama in my life, and instead of being passive I was strong.  I stuck to my policies, my rights, and to what I deserve as a person, let alone a business owner.  I am not a doormat any longer.  I will no longer put myself in that position.  Todd, I hear you.  I am not giving others permission to take advantage of me ever again. 

As a result of this, I actually terminated care with a certain family.  As a people pleaser this was so difficult to do.  I have endured a lot of abuse through the past couple of months and yesterday I ended it.   I had enough.  I should have stood up for myself a long time ago but I was weak.  I felt self-worth in helping them that I allowed myself to be constantly put in a negative situation.  The amount of stress I have been under has not been worth it.  My stress is not totally alleviated, as I am in the process of recovering from my people pleasing addiction, and I hate that things ended badly with this family, but at the same time knowing that I will no longer be subjected to this ongoing issue feels freeing. 

I have to remind myself that I cannot please them all.  I can try to go with the flow, but when the tide comes rushing in, if I am not a firmly rooted tree, the tide will take me away.  I don’t want to be a weak sapling that doesn’t stand a chance and snaps under the current.  There is a difference between being rude and unkind and being a strong person and I need to accept that.  I cannot please everyone and I should not have to continuously bend in a limbo in order to try.  When that happens people will break me, just as over the past could of months I have been continuously beat down by this family.  I cannot please them all, and the ones that are worth it, I don’t have to try to please!  I have a couple good friends, a husband, and kids that love me no matter what.  I am fortunate to have friends that can deal with me after surgeries, after babies, after meltdowns.  I have a husband and kids that love me regardless of circumstances, whether I am pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, relaxed or stressed, happy or sad.  Those are the people that are most important. 

I also have to remind myself that I have enough going on.  I do not have time for issues such as these on a weekly basis.  I have four kids, lots of carpooling, a daycare to run, a house to care for, and a family to nurture.  I do not have time to deal with other people’s negativity and straight up drama.  I was kind and compassionate when they were having marital issues, but I did not have to be dragged into it daily.  I did not have to be a punching bag for both the mom and the dad.  I loved those kids and they were close with my own, but I did not have the time nor the emotional capacity to allow them to treat me horribly under the guise of helping them.  There’s a line between being compassionate and being taken advantage of…and that line was vaulted over, with style.

In order for me to run a successful business I need to keep in mind that I do not have to please everyone.  When I cannot enforce my policies, my prices, and my rights, I am allowing this chaos.  There are plenty of families that understand that I am charging under what is market price, that I am way more flexible on my hours, and that my policies are quite a bit more lenient than most other daycares.  I appreciate those clients on such a deep level and I need to remind myself that I reserve the right to filter through the ones that cannot understand that and who cannot respect me as a human being, let alone as a business.  I am failing myself, my family, my business and worst of all my kids by trying so hard to please everyone.  I am failing.  And the worst part is, I am choosing to fail.

But I am choosing to live life differently.  I am choosing to no longer accept other people’s rude and demeaning behavior.  I am choosing to teach my kids to be kind and respectful people, yet people who do not allow everyone to take advantage of them.  I am choosing to care more about my relationship with God than to please others.  Even though their approval may be more tangible, may feel more important, I desperately need to validate myself in a more appropriate way.  I am not perfect and I will continue to struggle with this.  I will continue to struggle with wanting to switch churches based on rumors about me.  I will continue to try to find dignity even when people judge me.  I will continue to smile and be genuine even when I have been rejected before.  I will take the fruit of the spirit and make it my mission to overflow with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  I will choose these things and do it for God and myself and not do it to make others like me. 

I’ll be at the beach.

When I was a little girl I would play babies, play doll house, play house.  I would be the mommy and would take care of everyone, I would be supermom.  The older I got the more I wanted to be a mommy.  I told everyone that I wanted to have six kids, and have them close together.  I longed for a big family, for children that were friends, and to be an amazing mom. 

When at eighteen I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t panic, the thought of abortion or adoption never crossed my mind.  I was ready for this; I had been practicing for years.  All my babysitting experience was training for just a day as this.  As the thought of mommyhood loomed over me I contemplated spelling of names (I had names picked out by the age of ten) and I started looking at baby items.  I prepared instantly.  I planned, I waited, I was excited. 

I then continued to have four kids in the matter of four years and three months.  I had my wish.  I had a big family, close together.  I was a stay at home mom, just living the dream, right?  People would ask me how I did it, how I managed with four little kids.  I would smile and say, “one day at a time” or “it’s not that bad”.  There is truth in this, but at times, I am overwhelmed and want to run away.  Dare I say this?  Of course not! Because then I get the “this is because of the choices you made” or the best “we told you not to keep having babies”.

I do love my family.  I am so grateful for each and every one of my four blessings.  I would not trade one of them for just one more day of sanity.  I love my husband and I am beyond grateful for how hard he has worked for our family.  We started young, yes.  We have had a lot of trials, yes.  And yes, lady at the grocery store, my hands ARE full.  But I truly don’t want it any other way.

When 3 o’clock in the afternoon comes and I realize that I haven’t eaten all day, it is not because I made that choice.  It is not because I am starving myself or because I want to lose weight.  It is because of the frenzy feeding, cleaning, supervising, more cleaning, driving 34+ miles a day, and the mass chaos that has happened all day.  When I go to sleep by 8 o’clock at night it isn’t because I am lazy, it is because I run a daycare, typically try to go to the gym at 5 am to keep my sanity, and because of the same reasons I didn’t eat all day.  My life is chaotic and stressful.  With a fake smile on my face I say “I wouldn’t have it any other way”.  And yes, deep to my core this is true. 

But do you want to know what else is true?  I also want to escape.  I want to run away.  I daily contemplate if it is possible to sneak away to Newport Beach.  Do I have enough gas money to get there?  Should I bring the kids?  Raul?  Should I go alone?  I could sleep in the car, it would be scary, but it would be worth it.  Could they all survive without me? 

People may see me as supermom, my house is clean 24/7, my kids are fed and clothed before 7 am, hot amazing dinners are on the table when my husband comes home, and my kids are [generally] well-behaved.  I am living the life.  I may put on the supermom act but I have that need to flee.  I want to go to where we spread my mom’s ashes, her safe place, her fortress of solitude.  I want to go to Newport.  I would love to take the kids and Raul.  I would love to be supermom and have a nice family vacation, but as of now, it isn’t reality.  It can’t happen.  It isn’t in the cards. 

Right now my heart is in Newport.  My thoughts are in Newport.  My longing is in Newport.  It makes me feel like a worthless, selfish, mom.  I have no right to even think of doing anything by myself.  I made my choice to have a ton of kids.  I made my choice to be a mom by nineteen.  Supermom can’t demand time for herself or time away with her husband.  Can she?  Supermom selflessly gives of herself and never expects time alone.  Supermom does this with a smile and is happy to do so.  I am selfish trash.  My kids deserve better than me.  These thoughts echo through my very soul.  You have no right.  You should be happy.  You should be grateful.  You are nothing.  This is your job.  This was your choice. Some of these thoughts are words that others have actually uttered me. 

So am I a horrible selfish mom because I need a break?  Because I need alone time?  Because I would love some alone time with my husband?  I don’t think I am.  I think I am normal.  It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t want them.  It just means that I am human, I have given selflessly for over 7 years straight, and I am tired and worn out.  Judge me if you want, but I desperately need an escape, a break, some adult time. 

The dark, scary abyss of my heart.... (better beware)

I’ve been longing to write.  I’ve been needing the release of something deep and profound to encompass my ever needy soul.  With that longing has come the stifling anxiety that feels like a two ton weight is sitting on my chest, and that overwhelming feeling has comprised all of my day to day activities, thoughts, feelings, and fears.  Part of this distress is the dread that someone might see into the deep empty chasm that my heart has become. This stone cold structure has been built up to avoid letting any light, happiness, or contentment in.  Feeling any type of emotion would open up the possibility of the breakdown that I started feeling coming on.  That ever present knowledge that my control is slipping, that my sanity could be questionable, that I might just lose it, has caused me to shut down, be guarded, and lose the ability to feel anything at all.  Well, anything but this crushing panic-ridden anxiety, that is.

How can I let anyone in?  How can I truly admit to anyone how furious I am with multiple people around me, how abandoned I feel, how hurt I am?  How can I divulge the deep and personal reality that I am truly questioning God?   People will judge me.  People have always judged me.

As a people pleaser one of my greatest fears is the rejection, abandonment, gossip, and condemnation of those around me.  I want to be accepted, loved, and cherished.  Why is it that there are constantly rumors about me?  Why must people sit around judging the clothes I wear, what my body looks like, the food I eat, how many kids I have, my parenting style, or even how we spend our money?  When it comes back to me that I am your topic at the dinner table, it kills me, and makes me want to run away, to hide, to never be seen again.   The thing is, I really shouldn’t care.  But unfortunately,  I do.  I want so much to be loved instead of criticized and the need to spread gossip about me hurts me to my core. 

I love our church, I have gone there since I was 8 years old.  It feels like a family there and while everyone smiles and hugs me, I am also reminded that some of these people have hurt me, or my mother, or my family in deep ways.  How do I work past the bitterness of my cold stone heart? Should I run away?  Should I find a new church?  Should I start over fresh?  The darkness that is encroaching my very being is frightening to me, but I feel alone and powerless to stop it.  I have been afraid to admit it, to let anyone see what has been going on inside me.  I have allowed a few people to know little bits and pieces of how I am struggling with this, but nobody knows the full truth.  Nobody can possibly understand what is really going on in here.

I do not want to stay cold, dark, angry, and bitter like this.  I do not want to continue on in such a state.  I do not know what to do in order to feel alive again, to feel purpose, to feel warm.  I want to feel something, anything.  I need do get a grip on this painful anxiety, this dreadful overwhelming panic.  Should I allow the attack to come?  Should I finally let it loose and allow my control to subside?  Will anyone be there to help walk me back to sanity?  Is anyone truly there to catch me when I fall?  Does anyone truly love me unconditionally?  I think each and every person has their own conditions and if anything goes past the point of their conditions, I will be alone in my dismal state.  I already feel lonely.  I cannot bear the idea of being totally alone in this. 

What do I do?  How do I move on?  I do I become human again?  Forgive me if I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel, if I cannot find the hope and joy in my circumstances.  Maybe I am finally entering a stage of grief.  I have, after all, stuffed it for two and a half years.  Maybe I am entering the anger stage.  Maybe I really do have PTSD like some have told me that I might.  But how do I go on?  Where do I go from here?  I do not want to continue to live like this, in this deep abyss of my broken heart, but I do not know how to get out, how to be safe, how to be warm, how to feel again.