being a mom when my kid had surgery....and being motherless along the way

I love being a mom.  It is part of my identity. It is part of who I am.  Perhaps I use my motherhood to an unhealthy degree, if that is even possible.  Nonetheless, I am a mom.  I love it, though sometimes it is the hardest thing I have ever done.  And you know what makes it even harder?  NOT HAVING MY MOM.  Oh yeah, that. 

I used to call my mom for everything.  I’m cooking a chicken, call my mom.  I am cooking a roast, call my mom.  My kid gets hurt, I call my mom. My kids have a high fever, I call my mom.  My mom was Google, a triage nurse, a friend, a confidant, a psychologist, a counselor, a mediator, and my biggest support system.  We had a lifetime of rapport and there is just no relationship like it.  There is just not another her. 

I have had to Pinterest more recipes, call my grandma more, and actually talk to my pediatrician more.  I so feel bad for Brice and Lisa, they would hear from me a whole lot less if I had my mom to call first. Thank God they are both amazing pediatricians who truly love my kids.

Last week Karsyn had her tonsils out, and it has been horrible as a mom.  My kid in pain is unbearable.  Not being able to fix it is even worse.  And not having my mom to call and vent to is absolutely unacceptable.  My grandma and my aunt have been my go-to people.  They are the people who are the most like her, but  I still need her.  When being a mom is the hardest, I need my mom the most. 

Karsyn was having her tonsils out Thursday morning so we took her out Wednesday night.  The older three went to my in-law’s house and we had some special Karsyn time.  She chose to eat at Texas Roadhouse and then we went to the mall.  She slept in the bed with me that night because I wanted to make sure that she didn’t accidentally end up eating or drinking something.  We explained to her what was going to happen Thursday morning so that there were no huge surprises when we went.

She was so brave Thursday.  She didn’t complain about how hungry and thirsty she was.  She had a great attitude, and was totally fine.  She waited in her tiger gown, colored, and just playfully talked.  She kept asking, “when is the doctor going to take my owies out?”  She even went with the nurse and anesthesiologist to the OR without freaking out and even said bye.  I mean, she’s only three and a half.  She was SO brave.

I was a mess though.  I didn’t sleep the night before and when I did I had nightmares about the surgery.  My three year-old was braver and more calm than I was.  At the surgery center my heart was pounding and I could barely breathe.  I am a mom, I think of all the worst. 

They had this cute little hobbit door to get in to the kid area.  It was this cute arch opening just big enough for kids.  Of course to get into the kid area I went through the adult door.  I sat down and filled out paperwork, but when Karsyn got called back I instantly had serious anxiety.  I tried to play it off cool so that Karsyn didn’t sense it.  Thus, I forgot that I was not a hobbit and for some reason attempted to be one, meanwhile smacking my forehead on the top of the hobbit door.  Newsflash.  I am NOT a hobbit! And boy did it hurt!  I totally played it off cool in the moment.  I held it together until over an hour later when Karsyn was taken back to surgery.  Yes, I did walk smack dab into a wall.

My mom had a sick sense of humor.  Anytime we fell as kids she would burst out in uncontrollable laughter.  She would have laughed at me on the spot that morning and I would have been mortified.  But you know what?  I’d take the public humiliation just to have her in that waiting room.   I am so grateful that Raul was there with me and that he showed nothing other than concern when I painfully discovered my lack of hobbit-ness.  I am so glad that he waited to laugh until I was willing to laugh about it myself.  But I also wish my mom was there in the waiting room with us.  I wish her presence had been there.  I probably still would have been a mess, but at least she would have been there. 

Karsyn did so well.  She wasn’t whiney coming out of surgery nor that whole day.  We have watched Frozen about 7 times in a 3 day period, and then yesterday the kids reenacted frozen word for word.  It is all she cares about.  Frozen, ice cream, unicorns, waffles, and mac and cheese.  She is up playing.  She is usually happy.  Nights are rough, though, she’s in pain at night. 

The first night she whimpered and cried most of the night.  She slept in our bed for that very reason and it was miserable for both of us.  She was miserable in pain and I was miserable because I couldn’t fix it.  I am her mom and I couldn’t take the pain away.  I know my mom would have wanted me to keep her updated even in the middle of the night.  She would have left her phone on for just that reason.  The second night was the worst night, though.  I stupidly let her sleep in her own bed.  At 2am she woke up screaming.  I went in there and she was shaking uncontrollably and burning up.  It was like a nightmare.  I have never had one of my kids shake like that, ever.  I rushed her to the ER where she proceeded to puke all over me, and herself for that matter.  She was incredibly dehydrated and also has a UTI.  That poor girl. 

We were in the ER for 4 hours and came home and slept most of the day.  It took 2 days trying and fighting to get fluids in her and trying to get her to take her meds.  She would hold them in her mouth for half an hour and then spit them all out.  It was miserable.  She is so stubborn but it was hurting her.  We only got her to take meds and drink under the threat of going back to the hospital and getting shots.  Good parenting right there.

But through all of this struggle, through all of this stress, through the fact that we are STILL not sleeping through the night, I miss my mom.  Being a mom this week has been painful, scary, stressful, and miserable.  Being a mom this week without my mom has been cruel punishment.  This isn’t about how to cook a chicken, this is about the well being of my baby.  It is the hard mom stuff.  And the ache and hole in my heart that the absence of my mother has left has been hugely evident this week. 

It is hard because mother’s day was a matter of weeks ago.  It is hard because my birthday was a week ago.  It is hard because I still haven’t recovered from losing her and sometimes that still just isn’t real to me.  The pain of losing her is an every day battle.  The reality of life without her is an every minute struggle.  But there are sometimes, like mother’s day or my birthday that it just hurts worse.  And this horrifying experience.  This exhausting mom thing, is just extremely worse without her.  She loved my kids as much as I do.  They were everything to her.  And she was, and is, everything to me.