Have you ever felt so completely out of control of your
surroundings, your life, your circumstances, and your loved ones that it makes
you feel anxiety to your core? I try so
hard to stay organized, to keep on top of tasks, to keep bills paid on time, to
keep things clean, and to make people happy.
These things give me a false sense of security, of comfort; they make me
feel like everything is okay. There are
some topics I avoid because they are scary, they make me feel like I may lose
control of myself, of my emotions.
I stay composed. I
try not to cry. I smile and pretend like
I am not dying on the inside. Sometimes
the worthlessness I feel creeps in and shatters the false confidence that I
have. Something happens that reminds me
that I really am not lovable. It
reminds me that I am nothing but a failure.
I recently had a loved one come to me and open up about
similar insecurities that they were having, that they were also struggling with
feeling worthless. I failed at my
response. Instead of being there for
this person, for listening, for encouraging, I got scared. I was suddenly fearful of losing said person
and I got loud and passionate. For some
strange reason it made me feel so completely out of control and scared and I
reacted out of that. Because of my reaction not only does this person not feel
any better, but the relationship was harmed in the process. I am supposed to be a safe place, and I
usually am.
My life’s goal is to eventually become a counselor,
psychology is my major, and I already have a group of people that come to me
for advice on many different topics including marriage, parenting, mental
health, jobs, relationships, and so much more.
I don’t think that I have ever left one of my many conversations feeling
quite like I do today. I am on the verge
of tears feeling like I have no business pursuing the career that I
desire. Clearly I am a failure even at
what I supposedly am good at.
My brain tells me that, see?
I really am a failure. I truly am
worthless. I can’t even help someone
close to me, how could I ever help a stranger?
I can’t even be trusted by someone who is supposed to care about me, how
can anyone else ever trust me?
But more than anything, I am on the verge of tears and am feeling
very heavy because I truly did blow it.
I am saddened because I was not a trustworthy person to come to. I did not take the heart that was offered to
me and handle it with care. I was
selfish and scared. I was not calm and
composed, I took it personally, and it was something that wasn’t about me. And I don’t know how to mend this
situation. I don’t know how to show this
hurting person that I really am there for them, that I care about how they
feel. I don’t know how to show them that
they are believing lies about themselves and that none of the things they said
are true. Maybe I don’t know how to do
that because I cannot believe it myself?
I am frightened at the honesty and hopelessness in this
person’s words. They said things like “I
am done trying,” “I give up,” and “I am done.”
I don’t know how to encourage
someone who is completely giving up on themselves, who has no more fight to
fight. How do I show that I will fight
for them? How do I fight for them? I begged this person to get some help, I
begged this person to try. But they
really are done and that made me sob. It
made me cry so hard. I don’t know how to
help someone who won’t even try. But
what I did do definitely didn’t help, and now they probably won’t reach out to
anyone else.
I failed miserably. I
let my own fears cloud my judgement. I
let my own lies reflect outwardly. I
have been on the edge of giving up. I
have been tempted to give up. I keep
going for my kids and my husband. I try
to prove to others that I can do it. I
feel like if others see that I can handle it, then maybe they will see me as
something other than a failure, and that will make it true. I think of the family members who have
bullied me, or leaders that have tore me down in the past and I think that if I
can prove to them that I am better than they thought, that maybe I really
am. But this reminded me, I am
nothing. I am worthless like I have been
told most of my life. I have nothing to
offer. I am a failure.
