It is all so real, so intense. My thoughts are racing. My legs are shaking, I am not sure why but it
is a nervous twitch that I cannot seem to stop, but it is also driving me more
crazy. Just sit still, legs. Calm down.
My breathing is shallow and uneven.
My chest feels tight and constricted.
Yes. It is my anxiety coming to
the surface again. It is my anxiety
taking over my life again, taking over me again. This overwhelming tide of panic is rushing
over me like a tsunami and I so desperately want to control it.
I am a master of controlling my emotions, my reactions, my
thoughts. Why can I not get a handle on
this? I am a skilled control freak of
myself. I am used to being poised and
mild mannered. I can talk about deep
pain without breaking a sweat or shedding a tear. So why has this anxiety consumed me?
I have worked so hard at my perfect little life. I have worked hard to beat the odds, to be
the best. And right now as my reality is
facing me I am having a hard time coping.
Part of me wants it all out there, the relief of just letting it all go
an no longer holding back, but the rest of me wants to keep hiding in the shadows. I already deal with the glances of pity
because I lost my mom, the looks of judgments because nobody can support our decisions,
and the constant feeling of alienation from people around us. Why would I put myself in another situation
where people have information to judge me?
To judge us?
So, no. The details
will remain a mystery. The intimate information
of what is going on with my family will continue to be just that. Our intimate details. In order for me to release them I would not
only be selling myself out, but I would be faced with the questions of “why?”
and those details aren’t even mine to give.
I would be betraying someone else just by uttering the reasons why. And you know what? I have way too much respect for myself and
for the others involved to do that. But
I need a release. I need to get it all
off my chest. So I feel lost here, unsure
what to do.
This tsunami is all encompassing. It is all consuming. It is flooding over every area of my life,
and I am nearly at the point of drowning.
I feel alone here, with nobody to throw me a life vest, a raft, a hand,
or anything. I am treading water and am getting
very weary. Why can’t I breathe?
Under water are all my hopes and dreams. Rushing with the current go all of my plans. My future is in the dark unknown down there
being devoured and I am powerless to stop it.
The crushing waves hold me under for too long and I lose hope that I
will ever surface again. When I do
finally surface, my breathing is too shallow.
My thoughts are so out of control that I cannot get my bearings. I cannot anticipate the next wave because I
cannot hold on to anything stable.
Where have all the landmarks gone? Where has my sense of normalcy
been carried to? All my lists,
consistency, plans, schedules, all my stability has been moved down stream in a
current that I did not want. It has all
been out of my hands. I may have opened
the door when the tsunami hit, but I did not ask for it to come. Everything that has been important to me is
under water and it feels fruitless to try to swim under and attempt to get it
back, yet I still have a desire to try.
I am out here alone in the water. Alone while the sharks circle around me, hoping
to just get one bite. When the tide gets
rough why do I always seem to find myself alone and hopeless? Why does nobody stand up for me? How did I get myself out here in the first
place? Is this what I deserve? Am I being punished for something?
All this treading is making me exhausted, making me not want
to fight any longer. Why is breathing so necessary anyway?
