Ever have one of those nights where you wish you could just
do it all over? Or where you wish that
you could forget it all? Ever say
something that did irreparable damage to someone else? Ever do it with four sweet pairs of eyes
watching? Ever get so upset that a dish
was broken? Intentionally?
That is what our night was like last night. I am not going to go into too much
detail. I am not going to sell out my
spouse or give intimate details…but I’ll give you a little salt and pepper so
see just what our night was like. I’ll
save the garlic and chili powder for our own privacy, but I’ll just give you a
little taste.
It was a long day yesterday, I wasn't feeling well, I was
emotional, and I got set off. Yes, for
the most part, I instigated it. It has
been since June that we had an argument and even longer before that. We used to fight all the time, we used to
cycle from loving each other and hating each other. We used to generally be unstable. But something changed. I’d like to think that we grew up. I’d like to think that we fell madly in love
with each other in a renewing way that we never had before. I’d like to think that we have learned to
respect one another on a deep level.
While all of those things are true, last night we became like the old
people that we used to be. I was
ugly. He was ugly. I was childish. He was childish. I was mean.
He was meaner. Okay, Okay….maybe
he wasn't meaner, we were probably pretty equal.
Nonetheless, we were monsters to each other and in front of
our kids and I just can’t get past it.
No, we aren't cycling back around.
No, it wasn't as bad as it used to be.
Yes, we reconciled. No, I’m not
holding a grudge. But I am so deeply sorrowful.
I am grieving our behavior, both his and mine.
I am horrified that we had an audience.
An audience that was old enough to chime in and try to stop the
damage. An audience that was hurt by our
selfish display. An audience that
defended us from each other’s harsh attacks.
An audience that will remember it all.
I just can’t get past all of that. I have the echo of mean words spoken about me
in my brain. They still threaten to tear
me apart. I have the echo of the words
that I wish I could take back that spilled out of my own mouth. And even worse, I have the echo of the cries
and pleas of my children to stop. I am
grieving this on such a painful level that I almost can’t function.
I know that my kids are loving and forgiving. I know that there was family
reconciliation. I know that it is “fixed”
but I still feel like the security and stability that we have worked so hard on
for the past year is shattered and in the trash right along with the
plate. We broke each other, and we broke
the kids. I can’t stop feeling like an
absolute failure.
Things like this used to be more common in our house. We used to have an unstable marriage, but we
don’t anymore. A fight like this didn't
used to surprise me at all, but this time I feel devastated. This time is different. It may not have been as ugly as it used to
be. We might have had reconciliation way
faster than in the past, but this time it was so unexpected and was with an
audience that I try to protect. This time
is different. I am so much more ashamed
this time. I feel so much more hurt this time.
It has been 7 months since we spoke harsh words to each
other and those 7 months have bonded us in ways I never thought possible. Can we just keep going? Can we just go back to the way things were
yesterday morning? Do we start back over?
I feel so lost about all of this. I
suddenly feel so unsure. I feel like a
horrible wife and mother. A failure on
all sides.
I want to move on. I
don’t want this to break us. I don’t
want this to set us back. I feel so
incredibly heavy this morning. I feel
unmotivated and just sad. I feel
worthless and awful. I love and respect
my husband and I have a deep desire to fix this. Even thought there have been
sincere apologies and forgiveness, I feel like we need something more to fully
fix it and reconnect. I am just not sure
what that is. And that makes me feel a
little desperate, makes me feel unsure, makes me feel weak, needy, and lost. I am at a standstill with myself, unsure what to do to keep moving, unsure how to go forward.
