Every year in November a whole bunch of my Facebook friends
go through their daily thankfulness routine.
To be honest, I have never participated.
Of course I have things to be grateful for but it can be quite obnoxious,
especially when we are struggling. There
have been years where we can barely feed ourselves and everyone else seems to
be flaunting everything they have. Every
day. All the time. And I would sit here and be all like, stop
it. Get over yourself!
Something is different this year, though. I have been so sad and angry; all my blogs
are so deep and dark. My thoughts are
that of someone deeply suffering and feeling stuck. Everyone says things like, “have you prayed
about it?” Or, “Lean on God.” And I internally roll my eyes because the “person”
that I am most angry with? Yeah that’s this
God guy that you keep trying to point me to.
So, no…I have NOT prayed about it and I canNOT lean on Him. He is the one who took my mom from me in her
sleep, safe in her bed. He is the one
who ripped out my daughter’s heart when he took her best friend. How can He be
trusted?
But I am so tired of being so dark and angry all the time. I am so sick of it all. So, I felt like what I need most is an
attitude check. Because of that, I have
decided to attempt the 30 days of thanks.
I want my thankfulness to hopefully remind me what I still have. And it seems like it will be hard to find 30
things to be thankful for. I have
nothing to flaunt or to brag about, so I know I’m not going to be one of those
people. I am not able to pretend to be
all perfect, because I am broken and can’t hide that fact. But I am hoping for a bit of a transformation
in my way of thinking. I am so focused
on the bad, the angry, the dark and I want to have to work really hard to
remember what this season is about.
I am not the first person to deal with tragedy, with loss,
with pain. We all have it to one degree
or another. But I do wonder, why am I
stuck here? What is it about me that can’t
let go? That can’t forgive? That can’t move on? What is that about really? I fear these
questions will never be answered. I fear
that I will be stuck here forever, unable to fully grieve, unable to let go,
unable to trust. But for now, what I CAN do is to be grateful, to focus on my
blessings, and to allow myself to be blessed.
I may not be moving past the anger I have regarding my mom’s death, but
perhaps I can sideline it a little and allow myself to love and be loved, to
bless and be blessed, and to smile.
The things that we do have do not come easily to us. Raul and I work our butts off trying to make
it. He works full time from 7:45-5:00
Tuesday- Saturday and then works from 6pm-2am two-five nights a week. I have a full time daycare from about
6:20am-6:00pm Monday-Friday. We are exhausted and never see each other
anymore. But do you know what? We are lucky.
Yes, I did just say that. We are
lucky that we have not only the opportunity to support our family, but the work
ethic to do so. Though we may sacrifice
time together, we truly understand what it is to succeed, to support ourselves,
and to be able to fully take care of ourselves.
And it is worth it.
Hopefully, it will not be forever. Hopefully there will come a time where we aren’t
killing ourselves just to make ends meet…but you know what? Ends meet.
And that feels good. Sometimes
ends even overlap a little and that is even better. I am truly grateful for the time that we
spend apart. Yes, I miss my
husband. Yes, my kids ask me, “are we
ever going to have a daddy?” Yes, sometimes I miss my kids because I am so busy
caring for other kids that sometimes I miss out on time with mine. But my kids are fed, clothed, and loved. And you know what? They know they are loved. They are happy, healthy, and behaved. They are secure in who they are and they are
learning through our example how to be hard workers and to not expect other’s to
carry them.
So for this I am grateful.
This is not flaunting in any way.
Like I said, there is nothing to flaunt.
We are making it through lots of sweat and tears. Raul and I have a healthy relationship. Why?
Not because we are perfect or because we are just so in love (I mean, we
ARE in love), but because we have worked at our relationship and we have
struggled together. There have been
hundreds of times where we have looked each other in the eye knowing we
probably won’t still be married by the next day. But you know what? We are.
And it isn’t because it’s been easy.
But I will tell you, I am so beyond grateful for my amazing
husband. No, he isn’t perfect. Yes, we have deeply hurt each other in the
past. But let me tell you, he is my best
friend, my partner, and I would marry him again.
I am choosing good. I
am choosing happy. And I am choosing to
make a daily public declaration of what I am thankful for. I am choosing a better attitude, just the
same way that we have chosen to work hard for us and for our family. We have so much to be thankful for, and I am
choosing to be just that. Thankful. So, get used to it.
