I might be knocked down but I am not out

After my latest blog where I decided to not lose heart, I have been under some serious attack.  From my kids having some crazy scary rash, to car problems, trying to figure out the school financing, and some other personal things that have suddenly sprung up, I have been an emotional mess!  By ten this morning I had cried at such an extreme level, I still have a crying hangover and the tears are threatening to spill at any point.

First of all, the Sequoia’s power steering is going out and it is an expensive part to replace.  After some research, calling around to shops, and some other digging, the fluid in it is apparently the wrong kind.  Well, we have never touched said fluid, as we have never needed to.  Most of our maintenance has been done through the dealership and as the dealership sold it to us and certified that is was perfect, I think it might be their responsibility to fix it.  They are going to pull service records and take a look tonight.  Last night I was all ready to fight to the death on this.  WE don’t just have all this extra cash hanging out to replace the part and I am really hoping that it ends up being the dealer’s issue.  But nonetheless it is a stressful issue and it definitely put my anxiety on high alert.

Then comes today.  I had a long conversation with the financing lady at the kids’ school and at one point I was literally in extreme hysterics.  I am not even sure if she could understand what I was saying at a certain point, because the crying was so intense.  This is incredibly embarrassing as I do not cry in front of people, let alone strangers.  I did not even shed a tear at my mom’s funeral.  So as it goes, my kids were approved for a full scholarship, but as the funds were low we did not even receive a 20% scholarship.  I totally understood, was very grateful for the funds that we did receive, and never complained.  It was bittersweet, but it was sweet nonetheless. 

Well, today I called to clarify how much we owed to start school, how much we had in credits, and how much our payments were going to be.  Remember the letter I mentioned in my previous blog where we received more tax scholarship money than we had anticipated?  Well, apparently the school appreciated that money so much, that they took away our $1100 scholarships per kid that they had awarded us a couple months ago.  They did not inform us that they were taking away our money, the just did it.  Now, I understand if after they had our pay stubs and tax forms from last year and had determined that we only had a financial need of, I dunno, 10% and then when we received that extra ACSTO money that met that need, I would understand if they felt like another family needed it more and CALLED US and SPOKE to us about giving that money to someone else.  But that isn’t what happened.  After seeing our bills, our pay stubs, our tax forms for 2012 they determined we needed 100% funding.  They saw the need but could only help us the $2200.  I get that.  But to secretly take away the money from us, WITHOUT telling us, when we legitimately need it is another thing. 

So, since this entire topic has been such a struggle to me, since I was so encouraged by this extra ACSTO money, and even blogged about it, I got incredibly emotional.  I cried.  I cried hysterically.  I could not believe that what felt like and encouraging thing could disqualify us for any other funds.  The letter from ACSTO specifically said that their scholarship did not affect any other scholarship that we had been awarded in the past.  So, all of this was clearly discouraging and upsetting. 

I may be down, but I am NOT out.  I, crying as it may be, still advocated for my family, for my kids.  I used reason and logic, and in between sobs I was polite and since it WAS so sneaky and my points WERE very valid, she DID after all restore our funds!   Our kids get to keep both scholarships, since both letter clearly state that one does not affect the other.

I may feel emotional, I may be having a hard time breathing, I may spill over with tears again today…but I fought for my kids and I am glad I did.  I feel emotional with the shock that they would just give the money away like that, and I feel emotional at the relief that we have the money after all.  But I am NOT out.  I will still choose to live today to the fullest; I will still choose to not lose heart.  I am, once again, choosing to be encouraged that so far, this school year WILL work out. 

I am still in process. I will still continue to make mistakes.  I am grateful that I am not alone in this.  And I am very grateful that things seem to be coming together.  I will NOT lose heart.  I may be knocked down…but I AM NOT OUT. 

Don't lose heart...

Don’t lose heart.

This is a concept that doesn’t necessarily come easily to those who have experienced deep pain.  I mean, who HASN’T experienced pain?  It all looks different, right?  Whether it is the loss of a parent, death of a pet, divorce, a near drowning of your child, traumatic pregnancies, your baby dying in your arms, your child suffering with cancer…in one way or another we have all felt pain.  We have all struggled and we all mourn and grieve in our own way. Who am I to say mine is worse?  It isn’t.  Plain and simple.  Everybody carries their pain a different way. 

Why does it feel like I am stuck in this rut, unable to move on, unable to cope?  Why does it feel like other people who are going through unspeakable amounts of pain can keep going?  What is it about me that is so different? It’s because I have lost heart.  My anxiety levels are reeling and pushing me to my max.  My depression is making me long for an outlet.  As the dam of my feelings is beginning to leak, I am beginning to drown in the swell of it all…desperately searching for air, praying that help will come. 

Me losing heart, losing faith in life has not only affected how I feel about the loss of my mom, but it has also affected who I am as a person.  I am now a doubter, a pessimist.  I assume the worst.  I don’t trust anyone or anything.  I watch movies and I wait for someone to die or something bad to happen.  Sometimes it isn’t the case.  Sometimes even hard movies don’t have some horrible ending.  Sometimes, even in true stories, there are happy endings.

We watched 42 last night and I kept wincing, waiting for a car accident or something bad to happen to his wife.  It was not necessarily an easy watch anyway, but I was just waiting for it to be worse.  But it wasn’t.  Nobody died, and that was actually refreshing.  My life used to be more like that, where I was shocked that something bad happened rather than being shocked that nothing bad happened.

I have lost heart.  It truly affects everything that I do.  For example, I assumed that my kids weren’t going to make it to school.  I just assumed that the funds were not going to come in.  There is no possible way that we can financially put one kid in the school, let alone two! When we got approved for the full $10,000 scholarship but only awarded $1100 per kid, I assumed the worst.  I really have lost heart.  I have lost faith.  I expect everything to be bad.

We received the news and I then wrote a letter to friends and family begging for tax donations and help.  My letter this year was short and to the point where as in my letter last year I poured my heart out.  Why was my letter this year so bland?  I think it is because I really did not have any hope that it would work out.  Why would I get my hopes up in order to just be let down again? 

But then it happened.  Not only did I have two family members agree to help out with some of our amount due for this month, but later in the week I got a letter that we have received some more scholarship money.  It does not cover all that we owe for the year…but it is a good chunk that will be disbursed in October.  It was an unexpected and a sweet reminder that everything is not always bad. It was a reminder that I should not expect the bad things and be surprised by the good, but to expect the good things and be surprised by the bad. 

We also had a couple that we went to school with offer to put in some tax money around tax time and even our landlord forwarded my letter to people that he knew.  This was a sweet reminder of how Kylie was able to be blessed enough to go there last year.  It seems to be the most unexpected people that are lead to send my kids to school.  God lead a few different people last year to help donate and without their donations, it would not have happened.  These people were people that I knew in high school, one family was someone that I went to school with; another was someone whom I had gotten to know in Mexico City one year.  Needless to say that other than Facebook, they were not people that we had really stayed close to or even had much of relationships with. 

It was such a God-thing to me that He would use these people, someone whom I would never imagine cared about me or my family, to partner with us to send our kids to school.  These are hardworking people who sacrificed their time, prayers, and finances in order to send my kid, whom they had never even met, to a good private school.  Kylie receiving a God-honoring education was impressed upon their hearts and it was so beyond me.  Why would I think it would be any different this year?

I have lost heart so much that what is clearly a God ordained conviction in us became a point of distrust in my heart.  It took an old teacher of mine to remind me of the faithfulness of God.  When she did I went back and reread my blogs from last year and it was the same struggle, and the same God who patiently reminded me that I could fully trust Him with the well-being and the education of my kids. 

Why have I lost heart?  There are constant little miracles around me.  Why am I stuck in such a cloud to not see them?  I need so badly to stop focusing on drowning in this dam of depression and emotion and truly just focus upwards.  Like Alex when he is swimming and is suddenly afraid of drowning, a lot of the time I just forget that I am in the shallow end and can just stand up!  And those times that the water truly is too deep?  Instead of giving up, instead of losing heart, I need to remind myself that I am not alone and that I don’t need to fight it.  My Abba Father is right there to pull me out, just like when Alex is struggling and feels like he is in too deep, I am right there to help him and pull his face out of the water, to remind him to trust me, that I will never allow anything bad to happen to him. 

I am feeling encouraged today, that we are not alone here, that God has a plan for us and will meet us where we are.  After my mom died, my grandma moved, and my dad and sister moved, I felt very abandoned.  Suddenly we have some family around us, some blood, some not, and it doesn’t feel so lonely.  We are no longer an island here just wasting away, but we are loved, even by people we barely know. 

I appreciate each and every one of you.  I cannot begin to thank you enough.  Everyone I have met has had an impact in my life one way or another and I am so grateful for those of you that have not given up on me yet! I am still in process, I am not finished.  But today I am choosing to not lose heart. 

I've been avoiding you...

I have been avoiding blogging since my last blog, which was a love note to my husband and was not my typical blog style.  My blogs are raw, deep, and open.  It is usually descriptive of the open oozing sore in my heart and all the feelings that come with it.  I feel like my blog is always such a downer and feel guilty about it so then I just avoid my blog. In some ways this blog is therapy to me.  I reread some of my past posts and it takes me right back there.  The ones with the most typos tend to be the ones with the most emotion. 

I never know how much to tell people without scaring them off.  You know, I usually try to avoid mentioning the dead mommy, and if I do, I try to make it in passing, almost like I am over it and am not still struggling on an hourly basis.  I try to act like I can actually breathe, like thinking about my mom isn’t a struggle for oxygen, a feeling like I might just die. 

This is a reason why I do not really have friends, why I cannot let people in.  I have only one deep friend, someone who was instantly on a deep level with me, someone who I swear is my sister.  Our life circumstances are so alike that we are on sister status.  We even have the same middle name.  My best friend in Junior high had the same middle name as I did.  It was meant to be.  And my dear sweet Laina is truly my sister by heart and she gets me.  I love that I can be free to be real with her. 

As for making new friends, well, that comes harder.  I feel socially awkward and maybe I come across that way, or I don’t, but all I know is that in my head I am constantly wondering how to keep things light and fluffy, how to avoid bringing the dark cloud of my deep pain into these situations.  Especially given that I tell time based on whether my mom was alive or not.  Like my years are no long BC or AD but are now BMD or AMD (before mom’s death, after mom’s death).  It is really awkward to be giggling with friends and blurting out “bahaha yeah that was before my mom died.”  Cue crickets. 

I had the opportunity to go out this weekend, something that truly never ever happens.  I did pretty okay.  I had fun, I laughed, I kept it mostly fluffy and I really did not have to be fake with them, which was good too.  Past them being shocked at my age I think I did alright.  There was no long drawn out story about me losing my mom, my moments of remembering that fact, and the fact that I can barely function.  This was mostly because two of them know my story already and that was a relief.  There was a quick moment where I blurted a couple things out in the bathroom to poor Lisa, but I think I managed it well.  I don’t think I scared her too badly.

I really do try to avoid the mom topic.  The entire topic makes me anxious and I want to go into fetal position.  (Cue: Shauna.  Yes, I want to go into child’s pose just like you, Shauna.) The entire topic brings out details that nobody would ever want to know.  The topic puts me directly back into the day that it happened.  I go right back into the house we were renting.  I go right back to that bathroom where I was bathing my kids when I got the call.  I can hear the phone ringing from my laundry room.  I remember ignoring it since it was a number that I didn’t recognize.  I remember my sister texting me because she wanted to know if I was trying to call her from a different number.  After hearing the voicemail from the officer, I answered the call.  Yes, the topic puts me right back there.  So I avoid it at all costs, yet it is a part of me, a part of almost every one of my thoughts and so the topic tends to slip out there in the open.  This makes it difficult to make friends, or to even retain the ones that I have.  It has to be obnoxious to be around “the girl whose mom died”. 

Nonetheless it is who I am.  That is why my blog has been saturated with my mom and the loss of my mom.  And that is why I avoid blogging.  Yet, I feel better when I blog.  Such a vicious cycle.