I have this overwhelming and unmistakable feeling of
suffocation. I have been so
devastatingly incapacitated by
depression that I cannot function on even the most basic level. I feel as if I am being held down by a heavy
ball and chain, drowning in the darkest of waters. The sea is rushing around me, and it is dark
and I feel utterly cold and alone.
This ocean of depression is touching every area of my
persona. Being stuck here is causing a
tidal wave of debilitating anxiety because I feel completely out of control of
my feelings, emotions, thoughts, and mood.
It is affecting me as a mother, a wife, a student, a friend, and a
person. Doing normal little things like
bathing myself, getting dressed, and even brushing my hair seem all too
overwhelming which means the bigger things like homework, cleaning, and parenting
are just not even possible. I spend most
of my time curled up in a ball in my bed not doing anything. I am crippled by the incredibly strong current
of hopelessness and it just beats me down more and more.
This darkness is so scary and treacherous, I am in a losing
battle that sometimes I feel like just giving up. No matter how much I try to swim towards the
surface, the surface seems to get farther and father out of reach. I have been sinking little by little for
years, but sometimes now it feels like I have reached the point of no
return. I am beginning to become afraid
that there is no way out, that I really am stuck here, that nobody will ever
even figure out that I am down here.
How does one swim with a weight around them? How does one breathe under water? How do I
even try anymore? I have lost the
passion I once felt for living. I have
lost the purpose that once pushed me onward.
The boat of safety has long since forgotten I existed. The life vest I once had has slipped off of
my chest. Water fills my lungs and they
burn with resignation. A voice in my
head reminds me that I am a failure. I
take a glance at my life and it reinforces that voice. I am failing in every area. I am not who I once was. I am completely incapable of doing anything
at all, let alone doing anything right.
Today I pushed against the voice. I tried to pull myself out of the water. I went somewhere out of my current comfort
zone. I went to Bible study. I was around safe people in what is supposed
to be a safe place. Even then, I began
to have a panic attack. I foolishly
tried to talk and my words were not what I had planned to say, everything came
out wrong. I fully panicked internally and
I have been shaking for a couple hours now.
I am still shaking. I literally have
the feeling of suffocation, my lungs are burning, my chest is tight. I am incredibly nauseous and have cried ever
since I left. See? You can’t be a normal person.
You are a failure. You’re
worthless. Why did you even try? The
voice is so much louder now. I am
totally and completely out of control of how I feel. There is no way to fix this. I am what’s broken. I am the problem.
I am so far beneath the surface that there is no hope for
me, people cannot even see my struggle.
Though the current under here is strong and unbearable, the surface
appears calm and smooth. I am dying
under here and nobody even knows. I look
and appear normal, nobody knows I am drowning within. I am held captive by grief, by my past, by my
wounds, by my failures, by truths, and by lies.
I am not sure that anything can be redeemed anymore. I have lost all value, I have lost all hope,
I am empty, I am nothing.
