Marriage Salt and Pepper [a little taste of the devastating calm after a marriage storm last night]

Ever have one of those nights where you wish you could just do it all over?  Or where you wish that you could forget it all?  Ever say something that did irreparable damage to someone else?  Ever do it with four sweet pairs of eyes watching?  Ever get so upset that a dish was broken?  Intentionally?

That is what our night was like last night.  I am not going to go into too much detail.  I am not going to sell out my spouse or give intimate details…but I’ll give you a little salt and pepper so see just what our night was like.  I’ll save the garlic and chili powder for our own privacy, but I’ll just give you a little taste.

It was a long day yesterday, I wasn't feeling well, I was emotional, and I got set off.  Yes, for the most part, I instigated it.  It has been since June that we had an argument and even longer before that.  We used to fight all the time, we used to cycle from loving each other and hating each other.  We used to generally be unstable.  But something changed.  I’d like to think that we grew up.  I’d like to think that we fell madly in love with each other in a renewing way that we never had before.  I’d like to think that we have learned to respect one another on a deep level.  While all of those things are true, last night we became like the old people that we used to be.  I was ugly.  He was ugly.  I was childish.  He was childish.  I was mean.  He was meaner.  Okay, Okay….maybe he wasn't meaner, we were probably pretty equal.

Nonetheless, we were monsters to each other and in front of our kids and I just can’t get past it.  No, we aren't cycling back around.  No, it wasn't as bad as it used to be.  Yes, we reconciled.  No, I’m not holding a grudge.  But I am so deeply sorrowful. I am grieving our behavior, both his and mine.  I am horrified that we had an audience.  An audience that was old enough to chime in and try to stop the damage.  An audience that was hurt by our selfish display.  An audience that defended us from each other’s harsh attacks.  An audience that will remember it all. 

I just can’t get past all of that.  I have the echo of mean words spoken about me in my brain.  They still threaten to tear me apart.  I have the echo of the words that I wish I could take back that spilled out of my own mouth.  And even worse, I have the echo of the cries and pleas of my children to stop.  I am grieving this on such a painful level that I almost can’t function. 

I know that my kids are loving and forgiving.  I know that there was family reconciliation.  I know that it is “fixed” but I still feel like the security and stability that we have worked so hard on for the past year is shattered and in the trash right along with the plate.  We broke each other, and we broke the kids.  I can’t stop feeling like an absolute failure. 

Things like this used to be more common in our house.  We used to have an unstable marriage, but we don’t anymore.  A fight like this didn't used to surprise me at all, but this time I feel devastated.  This time is different.  It may not have been as ugly as it used to be.  We might have had reconciliation way faster than in the past, but this time it was so unexpected and was with an audience that I try to protect.  This time is different.  I am so much more ashamed this time. I feel so much more hurt this time.

It has been 7 months since we spoke harsh words to each other and those 7 months have bonded us in ways I never thought possible.  Can we just keep going?  Can we just go back to the way things were yesterday morning?   Do we start back over? I feel so lost about all of this.  I suddenly feel so unsure.  I feel like a horrible wife and mother.  A failure on all sides. 

I want to move on.  I don’t want this to break us.  I don’t want this to set us back.  I feel so incredibly heavy this morning.  I feel unmotivated and just sad.   I feel worthless and awful.  I love and respect my husband and I have a deep desire to fix this. Even thought there have been sincere apologies and forgiveness, I feel like we need something more to fully fix it and reconnect.  I am just not sure what that is.  And that makes me feel a little desperate, makes me feel unsure, makes me feel weak, needy, and lost.  I am at a standstill with myself, unsure what to do to keep moving, unsure how to go forward.