Sometimes there are so many thoughts racing through my head
that I can’t focus on one. I have written
a paragraph and deleted it more than once as I sit here and type. I cannot stick to one topic, to one idea, to
one feeling. I feel incredibly high
strung right now; I think it is the cabin fever getting to me. I cannot just
sit here and do nothing. My life is constantly
going at a fast pace and just being stagnant like this is driving me absolutely
crazy.
In case you missed it I had an abdominal hysterectomy 2
weeks ago, and I am supposed to lay low
for 6 weeks. Yeah, six whole weeks. I mean, it sounds like a vacation,
right? I have the chance to just sit
there and do NOTHING for six whole weeks!
But, yeah, no. I am out of my
mind. My bathroom needs to be cleaned,
the kid’s bathroom needs to be bleached and scrubbed and disinfected and
possibly just destroyed, the floors need to be vacuumed and mopped, and I have
still been keeping up on the laundry. I
am ITCHING to be productive.
I am only one-third of the way done with this prison
sentence and guess what? I already
over-did it and opened my incision. Yup. Within the first two weeks I have already set
myself backwards. Time is moving in slow
motion and now I went backwards? FANTASTIC.
I feel worthless and lazy by not getting things done around here; so
much of my identity is wrapped up in being a mom and getting things done. I strive to be mostly perfect and sitting
here like this is messing up my style.
It is making me think less of myself.
And don’t even get me started on the gym. I feel like I did all that hard work for
nothing. NOTHING, I tell you! In six weeks of missing workouts I am going
to be fat and out of shape. I am going
to be back at square one. And I am not a
fan of square one. I push my body to the
max and I love the high I get from it.
The endorphins help my depression and anxiety, the sweat feels good, and
the muscle tone on my body shows absolute success. But sitting stagnant like this is doing
nothing but bad for my body. My brain can’t
handle the reality of sitting still, neither can my body. I am desperately longing to run, to lift, to
squat, to feel the BURN. The burn is so
good!!!!!
I will confess…I started to vacuum today. I couldn’t take the dust-full-sized-rabbits
on my floors. I decided the Swiffer vac
is way more light weight than the dyson so I rationalized that it’ll be
okay. The floors were SO BAD that it ran
out of battery before I finished the kitchen/dining area. NO JOKE.
I took it as my hint of stopping.
So I stopped. But if it is
charged before Raul gets home I might go back to it. I am a clean addict and might need an
intervention.
Another confession…the kids caught me lifting dumbbells the
other day. I mean, they were just 3 lbs
a piece. It really doesn’t even count as
a workout. But the dr gave me a 5lb
weight limit so I took that as being allowed to lift 5lbs. I know it equals 6lbs when lifted together
but it made me feel like I was doing SOMETHING.
If I am not busy doing something I sit there and think and
thinking isn’t good. I mean between them
removing my womb, it almost being my mom’s birthday, and the loneliness, I
shouldn’t be allowed to think. Not. At. All.
Cleaning is way better for my mood than thinking is. Running is way better for my spirit than
thinking. Thinking should be
banned.
I am pretty sure this rant is only for myself. If you have made it this far…I apologize. Sorry for wasting your time on my lonely,
crazy rant. I just really need to get out of the house. I need my house to magically be cleaned (I’ve
tried the animal call like snow white and it didn’t work), and I need to go for
a good, long run.
END RANT.
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