My emotions all came to a head the other day. I had a full on toddler-style meltdown. It all came pouring out on my poor husband
who didn’t see it coming. Our
relationship is strong, we haven’t been fighting, we talk about things, we don’t
always agree but we work things out. So
when I had my outburst he was shocked and confused. Wasn’t it just the day before that I publicly
confessed my deep love and appreciation for him on Facebook? Yes, yes it was.
I cannot full explain as to why I had this outburst, but I
know that there are several factors. One
of these factors is my deep routed issues, fears, and lies that I believe about
myself. I have abandonment issues and I
have never ever felt wanted. I feel like
most of my life I was tolerated and some horrible things were said to me by
peers and even a youth leader while I was in junior high and high school.
Raul is working a second job and while I am proud of him and
grateful for him, I miss him. It is as
simple as that. I have been a big girl
about it and have been working really hard not to let it bother me. But, when he does have time to spend with me,
it really hurts my feelings when he chooses other things. For example, he has been spending a lot of
time on his phone. It is little silly
things like shopping yard sale sights, but that doesn’t change how I feel. It was after three instances in a twenty-four
hour period where I had finally had enough.
In reality, the poor guy hadn’t done anything wrong. There’s nothing wrong with trying to find a
good deal for things that we need. I
know he was not intentionally hurting me, but it was hurting me
nonetheless. I felt like I was begging
for attention and when I was constantly rejected, I reacted. I was quite silly actually and he walked
away. Of course this upset me even more,
so after he worked out in the garage for about four hours, I was fuming. I got even worse and it was ugly.
After crazy psychotic Allysia calmed down we had a good
discussion and resolution. I wish I wasn’t
so emotional sometimes and I wish that I didn’t have these scars that I
have. But I do, and I am trying to work
with them. I have come to feel very
unimportant and almost unnecessary. That,
paired with merely being tolerated, is deadly to the soul. While I am sitting and stewing in the
crockpot of my worthlessness, I begin to act out because of it. My depression gets worse, my social anxiety
gets worse. I shut down and I shut
people out. If I let people in, they
will begin to notice that I really am worthless, that there is no point to
spending time with me. The lies tell me
that if my own husband doesn’t want to spend time with me, then who will? I know I don’t.
So how do I learn to love myself? How do I learn to accept who I am? How do I learn to not hide in the shadows
anymore? I don’t want to sulk and hope
someone notices me; I want to be a strong independent person who doesn’t depend
on people to feel good. How do I do
that? How do I change who I am? How can I show people that I am loveable even
though I can’t seem to love myself?
Better yet, how can I learn to believe that I really am loveable? I do not feel like I am, like I said, I feel tolerated. I do not feel wanted.
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I need to be pursued and wanted, but I cannot control
whether people pursue or want me. How do
I move on without feeling devastated when I am feeling left out? I want to be chosen, I want to be important,
I want to be wanted. How do I continue
to smile when I do not feel this way?
This makes me seem so needy and nobody wants to spend all their time
with a needy person either, so how do I learn to be confident without needing
everyone so much?
I love my husband so much and I feel really bad that I took
all of this turmoil out on him. I am so
lucky that he is forgiving and loves me unconditionally. I am so grateful that he would never leave
me, no matter how bad my crazy gets. I
love you, Raul, so very much and I really am sorry for how I treated you. I am so grateful that you get me, that you HAVE chosen me, and for the example that you are for our children. I am so blessed that you are mine.
wonderfully written. I can feel the emotion. I absolutely love your writing, Allysia. Your truth is refreshing. It's honest and pure and deep. You do not hide the flaws and insecurities and pain. I can completely understand your desire for attention and for you to look to your husband in valuation. After all, he CHOSE to spend his entire life with you so there must be something about you that's worth it (probably what you're thinking). I had those insecurities about myself as well, you are not alone. Especially on your own surrounded by little ones for most of your time, the craving for adult attention and interaction is justified. Just remember, those insecurities you have are LIES, Allysia. Don't believe them. You are beautiful, inside and out. You have amazing strength. Really amazing. I am blown away by it. You are caring and always striving to be better. You are funny and smart and you make people feel good about themselves. You put yourself behind the needs of your children and make sure your family has what they need. Your heart is immense and your will is enduring. You keep going, even when numb. You don't pretend and you're willing to admit your mistakes and flaws and are desperate to learn from them and make things better. You care, Allysia, which is more than most people out there. You amaze me, Allysia, you really do. There is much much much to love about you. :)
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