just a bunch o' chocolate chips...

Days like today evoke some intense emotions and some serious reflection. There is that overwhelmingly bittersweet aroma of change lurking everywhere and it can make it difficult to breathe. Major milestones such as the first day of kindergarten, or even the first day of first grade, are very emotional.  I was not that mom that took a million photos of my kids.  I did not make them pose in front of every part of their classroom.  I was not that obnoxious overbearing mom who can’t let go.  I mean, I am a seasoned parent.  I have been a mom for seven years, I have sent Kylie off to kindergarten, I have raised four [mostly] well behaved kids and I can handle this.  Can’t I?

Among the chaos of getting everyone ready for the first day of school, breakfast, five daycare kids coming (two being late), loading 5 car seats into the car, strapping six kids in and making sure that three have seatbelts on, I was still able to quickly get my traditional first day photo in front of the door.  

Alex was so excited and not even nervous.  He was born for kindergarten.  He is the kindergarten master.  No fear.

Kylie was excited too.  She was a little nervous mainly because the school split up her group of friends (surprise, surprise) and she got the teacher that she didn’t know. But she still couldn't wait.  Remember when school used to be fun?

But overall, even with the stress, it was okay.  All the craziness and chaos kept me from being overly emotional and attached and, like I said anyway, I can handle this.  I knew Alex was going to be a breeze.  He is different from most kids, at one point it was suspected that he was autistic, and he still has some major Asperger’s signs and I keep a list.  But with his……uniqueness…..comes a lot of trial and difficulty.  He is not an easy child.  He throws massive fits, can scream for hours, has never said he loves me, and doesn’t like to be touched.  Let’s rewind and go back to that he has never said he loves me.  I am really not sure if he loves me! I know the important thing is that he knows that he is loved but it is really hard to have a deep emotional connection to someone who is hard and not affectionate like that.  I try constantly.  I do.  And I love that kid equally as much as the others, but I have been struggling with it.  I am struggling with not being sure if my child loves me.  He does well with school, the structure and routine is good for him, so I have been really really really looking forward to school.  So has he.  He was so grown up and such a big boy.  I wasn’t overly emotional.  I did, however, totally embarrass him on his first day.  It was totally that mom licking her finger and wiping his face type of moment....only worse.  His pants were falling down because I totally forgot to adjust the waistline.  So, I did what every responsible and OCD mother would do and I did it right then and there in front of the class.  Um.....oops.  And then, to make matters worse, I tucked in his shirt.  Double oops.  So after his mom basically stuck her hands down his pants in front of all his classmates, he sat down, smiled for the one photo that I took, and didn’t even say bye.  I was okay.  It was easier than I even thought.  Then I walked Kylie to her class.

Kylie FINALLY made it to first grade after repeating kindergarten (don’t even get me started).  I knew for a fact that I could handle it.  I mean, first grade isn’t as big of a deal as two years in kindergarten, right?  Kinder is the main milestone and I made it through that.  Twice.  Yeah, um, except for the fact that she FINALLY made it to first grade and I was SO PROUD!  But I was still okay.  I could still handle it.  Pose in front of class door, check.  Say have a nice day, check.  Tell her to go find her friends and play, check.  Then it happened.  My breaking point.  She had ran multiple classrooms down the hall and I had started to walk the other way and I heard a frantic, “MOM!!!”  So I turned around and she yelled out, “I LOVE YOU!” I told her I loved her too, made it to the parking lot……and...well....and then I cried.  Yes, yes I did and I have cried off and on all day.  At noon I picked up Alex and he seemed so grown up and I cried a little again.  Change.  Bittersweet.  Necessary and wonderful, but bittersweet.