I’ve been longing to write.
I’ve been needing the release of something deep and profound to
encompass my ever needy soul. With that
longing has come the stifling anxiety that feels like a two ton weight is
sitting on my chest, and that overwhelming feeling has comprised all of my day
to day activities, thoughts, feelings, and fears. Part of this distress is the dread that
someone might see into the deep empty chasm that my heart has become. This
stone cold structure has been built up to avoid letting any light, happiness,
or contentment in. Feeling any type of
emotion would open up the possibility of the breakdown that I started feeling
coming on. That ever present knowledge
that my control is slipping, that my sanity could be questionable, that I might
just lose it, has caused me to shut down, be guarded, and lose the ability to
feel anything at all. Well, anything but
this crushing panic-ridden anxiety, that is.
How can I let anyone in?
How can I truly admit to anyone how furious I am with multiple people
around me, how abandoned I feel, how hurt I am?
How can I divulge the deep and personal reality that I am truly
questioning God? People will judge me. People have always judged me.
As a people pleaser one of my greatest fears is the
rejection, abandonment, gossip, and condemnation of those around me. I want to be accepted, loved, and
cherished. Why is it that there are
constantly rumors about me? Why must
people sit around judging the clothes I wear, what my body looks like, the food
I eat, how many kids I have, my parenting style, or even how we spend our
money? When it comes back to me that I
am your topic at the dinner table, it kills me, and makes me want to run away,
to hide, to never be seen again. The thing is, I really shouldn’t care. But unfortunately, I do. I
want so much to be loved instead of criticized and the need to spread gossip
about me hurts me to my core.
I love our church, I have gone there since I was 8 years
old. It feels like a family there and
while everyone smiles and hugs me, I am also reminded that some of these people
have hurt me, or my mother, or my family in deep ways. How do I work past the bitterness of my cold
stone heart? Should I run away? Should I find a new church? Should I start over fresh? The darkness that is encroaching my very being is frightening to
me, but I feel alone and powerless to stop it.
I have been afraid to admit it, to let anyone see what has been going on
inside me. I have allowed a few people
to know little bits and pieces of how I am struggling with this, but nobody
knows the full truth. Nobody can possibly
understand what is really going on in here.
I do not want to stay cold, dark, angry, and bitter like
this. I do not want to continue on in
such a state. I do not know what to do
in order to feel alive again, to feel purpose, to feel warm. I want to feel something, anything. I need do get a grip on this painful anxiety,
this dreadful overwhelming panic. Should
I allow the attack to come? Should I finally
let it loose and allow my control to subside?
Will anyone be there to help walk me back to sanity? Is anyone truly there to catch me when I
fall? Does anyone truly love me
unconditionally? I think each and every
person has their own conditions and if anything goes past the point of their
conditions, I will be alone in my dismal state.
I already feel lonely. I cannot
bear the idea of being totally alone in this.
What do I do? How do
I move on? I do I become human
again? Forgive me if I cannot see the
light at the end of the tunnel, if I cannot find the hope and joy in my
circumstances. Maybe I am finally
entering a stage of grief. I have, after
all, stuffed it for two and a half years.
Maybe I am entering the anger stage.
Maybe I really do have PTSD like some have told me that I might. But how do I go on? Where do I go from here? I do not want to continue to live like this,
in this deep abyss of my broken heart, but I do not know how to get out, how to
be safe, how to be warm, how to feel again.
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