Hi, my name's Ally, and I'm an addict....

I find it incredibly difficult to not try to validate my self-worth through other people.  People are there, they are tangible, audible, visible.  They are real.  I can actually feel their love or their hate.  I work so hard to try to please everyone, to have everyone like me.  The idea that someone is upset with me or doesn’t like me kills me.  It literally causes me to have trouble breathing. 

That is why conflict is so hard for me.  I avoid it like the plague.  Anyone who has known me for a long time would suggest otherwise, as when I was young I could definitely be confrontational, in your face, and spoke my mind.  But I have changed over the years, don’t we all?  With my severe anxiety and already cultivated people pleasing personality that I was born with, conflict has become even more difficult for me.    

 People walk all over me, take advantage of me, stress me out, and the worst part is, I allow it.  My cousin Todd wrote on my Facebook a while back that when I don’t stand up for myself, I am allowing others to take advantage of me.  It is me giving them permission to walk all over me.  It is like I am placing myself as a door mat and then am hurt and upset when people walk all over me.  Well, it stopped yesterday.  I stood up for myself.  I stopped allowing people to demean and belittle me, to cause unnecessary drama in my life, and instead of being passive I was strong.  I stuck to my policies, my rights, and to what I deserve as a person, let alone a business owner.  I am not a doormat any longer.  I will no longer put myself in that position.  Todd, I hear you.  I am not giving others permission to take advantage of me ever again. 

As a result of this, I actually terminated care with a certain family.  As a people pleaser this was so difficult to do.  I have endured a lot of abuse through the past couple of months and yesterday I ended it.   I had enough.  I should have stood up for myself a long time ago but I was weak.  I felt self-worth in helping them that I allowed myself to be constantly put in a negative situation.  The amount of stress I have been under has not been worth it.  My stress is not totally alleviated, as I am in the process of recovering from my people pleasing addiction, and I hate that things ended badly with this family, but at the same time knowing that I will no longer be subjected to this ongoing issue feels freeing. 

I have to remind myself that I cannot please them all.  I can try to go with the flow, but when the tide comes rushing in, if I am not a firmly rooted tree, the tide will take me away.  I don’t want to be a weak sapling that doesn’t stand a chance and snaps under the current.  There is a difference between being rude and unkind and being a strong person and I need to accept that.  I cannot please everyone and I should not have to continuously bend in a limbo in order to try.  When that happens people will break me, just as over the past could of months I have been continuously beat down by this family.  I cannot please them all, and the ones that are worth it, I don’t have to try to please!  I have a couple good friends, a husband, and kids that love me no matter what.  I am fortunate to have friends that can deal with me after surgeries, after babies, after meltdowns.  I have a husband and kids that love me regardless of circumstances, whether I am pretty or ugly, fat or skinny, relaxed or stressed, happy or sad.  Those are the people that are most important. 

I also have to remind myself that I have enough going on.  I do not have time for issues such as these on a weekly basis.  I have four kids, lots of carpooling, a daycare to run, a house to care for, and a family to nurture.  I do not have time to deal with other people’s negativity and straight up drama.  I was kind and compassionate when they were having marital issues, but I did not have to be dragged into it daily.  I did not have to be a punching bag for both the mom and the dad.  I loved those kids and they were close with my own, but I did not have the time nor the emotional capacity to allow them to treat me horribly under the guise of helping them.  There’s a line between being compassionate and being taken advantage of…and that line was vaulted over, with style.

In order for me to run a successful business I need to keep in mind that I do not have to please everyone.  When I cannot enforce my policies, my prices, and my rights, I am allowing this chaos.  There are plenty of families that understand that I am charging under what is market price, that I am way more flexible on my hours, and that my policies are quite a bit more lenient than most other daycares.  I appreciate those clients on such a deep level and I need to remind myself that I reserve the right to filter through the ones that cannot understand that and who cannot respect me as a human being, let alone as a business.  I am failing myself, my family, my business and worst of all my kids by trying so hard to please everyone.  I am failing.  And the worst part is, I am choosing to fail.

But I am choosing to live life differently.  I am choosing to no longer accept other people’s rude and demeaning behavior.  I am choosing to teach my kids to be kind and respectful people, yet people who do not allow everyone to take advantage of them.  I am choosing to care more about my relationship with God than to please others.  Even though their approval may be more tangible, may feel more important, I desperately need to validate myself in a more appropriate way.  I am not perfect and I will continue to struggle with this.  I will continue to struggle with wanting to switch churches based on rumors about me.  I will continue to try to find dignity even when people judge me.  I will continue to smile and be genuine even when I have been rejected before.  I will take the fruit of the spirit and make it my mission to overflow with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  I will choose these things and do it for God and myself and not do it to make others like me.