I’ll be at the beach.

When I was a little girl I would play babies, play doll house, play house.  I would be the mommy and would take care of everyone, I would be supermom.  The older I got the more I wanted to be a mommy.  I told everyone that I wanted to have six kids, and have them close together.  I longed for a big family, for children that were friends, and to be an amazing mom. 

When at eighteen I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t panic, the thought of abortion or adoption never crossed my mind.  I was ready for this; I had been practicing for years.  All my babysitting experience was training for just a day as this.  As the thought of mommyhood loomed over me I contemplated spelling of names (I had names picked out by the age of ten) and I started looking at baby items.  I prepared instantly.  I planned, I waited, I was excited. 

I then continued to have four kids in the matter of four years and three months.  I had my wish.  I had a big family, close together.  I was a stay at home mom, just living the dream, right?  People would ask me how I did it, how I managed with four little kids.  I would smile and say, “one day at a time” or “it’s not that bad”.  There is truth in this, but at times, I am overwhelmed and want to run away.  Dare I say this?  Of course not! Because then I get the “this is because of the choices you made” or the best “we told you not to keep having babies”.

I do love my family.  I am so grateful for each and every one of my four blessings.  I would not trade one of them for just one more day of sanity.  I love my husband and I am beyond grateful for how hard he has worked for our family.  We started young, yes.  We have had a lot of trials, yes.  And yes, lady at the grocery store, my hands ARE full.  But I truly don’t want it any other way.

When 3 o’clock in the afternoon comes and I realize that I haven’t eaten all day, it is not because I made that choice.  It is not because I am starving myself or because I want to lose weight.  It is because of the frenzy feeding, cleaning, supervising, more cleaning, driving 34+ miles a day, and the mass chaos that has happened all day.  When I go to sleep by 8 o’clock at night it isn’t because I am lazy, it is because I run a daycare, typically try to go to the gym at 5 am to keep my sanity, and because of the same reasons I didn’t eat all day.  My life is chaotic and stressful.  With a fake smile on my face I say “I wouldn’t have it any other way”.  And yes, deep to my core this is true. 

But do you want to know what else is true?  I also want to escape.  I want to run away.  I daily contemplate if it is possible to sneak away to Newport Beach.  Do I have enough gas money to get there?  Should I bring the kids?  Raul?  Should I go alone?  I could sleep in the car, it would be scary, but it would be worth it.  Could they all survive without me? 

People may see me as supermom, my house is clean 24/7, my kids are fed and clothed before 7 am, hot amazing dinners are on the table when my husband comes home, and my kids are [generally] well-behaved.  I am living the life.  I may put on the supermom act but I have that need to flee.  I want to go to where we spread my mom’s ashes, her safe place, her fortress of solitude.  I want to go to Newport.  I would love to take the kids and Raul.  I would love to be supermom and have a nice family vacation, but as of now, it isn’t reality.  It can’t happen.  It isn’t in the cards. 

Right now my heart is in Newport.  My thoughts are in Newport.  My longing is in Newport.  It makes me feel like a worthless, selfish, mom.  I have no right to even think of doing anything by myself.  I made my choice to have a ton of kids.  I made my choice to be a mom by nineteen.  Supermom can’t demand time for herself or time away with her husband.  Can she?  Supermom selflessly gives of herself and never expects time alone.  Supermom does this with a smile and is happy to do so.  I am selfish trash.  My kids deserve better than me.  These thoughts echo through my very soul.  You have no right.  You should be happy.  You should be grateful.  You are nothing.  This is your job.  This was your choice. Some of these thoughts are words that others have actually uttered me. 

So am I a horrible selfish mom because I need a break?  Because I need alone time?  Because I would love some alone time with my husband?  I don’t think I am.  I think I am normal.  It doesn’t mean I love my kids any less.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t want them.  It just means that I am human, I have given selflessly for over 7 years straight, and I am tired and worn out.  Judge me if you want, but I desperately need an escape, a break, some adult time.